Back in the fall, we warned you about the threat of slow-moving frozen zombie mice that were being created in a Japanese lab. Those experiments were thwarted by decisive action from the Grand Council of the Great and Serious Men of Science — specifically by the subcommittee I chair called the Regulatory Subcommittee for International Commerce of Mice and Other Zombifiable Rodentia.
Unfortunately my subcommittee has no jurisdiction in the U.S., and thus was powerless to stop the recent round of experiments at MIT that are sure to condemn us all to die in a hail of laser beam fire:
Scientists have studied high-frequency brain waves, known as gamma oscillations, for more than 50 years, believing them crucial to consciousness, attention, learning and memory. Now, for the first time, MIT researchers and colleagues have found a way to induce these waves by shining laser light directly onto the brains of mice.
These researchers say they hope these experiments will help them solve key riddles in the quest to understand diseases like schizophrenia.
“Gamma waves are known to be [disrupted] in people with schizophrenia and other psychiatric and neurological diseases,” says Li-Huei Tsai, Picower Professor of Neuroscience and a Howard Hughes Medical Institute investigator. “This new tool will give us a great chance to probe the function of these circuits.”
I say there’s only one equation we need to worry about, and it reads like this:
lasers + mice + gamma rays + schizophrenia = A dystopian future eerily similar to Gary Busey’s dream journal