Sell me your fucking condo

Pax Arcana

Hey. Hey you.

Yeah, that’s right — I’m talking to you, numbnuts. Now turn around and wipe that smile off your face. Good. Now, put your hands behind your head and walk backward toward me nice and slow. OK stop right there.

Good.

Alright — now listen real good because I’m only going to say this once.

Sell me your fucking condo.

DON’T TURN AROUND I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO TURN AROUND

american_dreamPay attention, asshole. My wife and I want to buy your condo. And when we want something, we don’t pussyfoot around. You feel that heavy cylinder pressing up against the small of your back? Yeah? What do you think that is? That’s right — it’s a rolled up stack of listing sheets from the 612 open houses we went to this spring before we stumbled across your place last weekend.

I understand we’re not the only ones interested in your condo, either. Our realtor tells us you’ve already fielded another offer, which we believe is higher than our offer.

Well guess who’s got his hairy forearms around your neck and doesn’t give a fuck. That’s right — this guy.

I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LOOK ME IN THE EYE NOW TURN BACK AROUND AND FACE THE WALL

I can see that you’re upset by my negotiating tactics, so let’s just all take a minute to calm down and collect ourselves. Just breathe easy for a few seconds and we can proceed like adults, OK?

Good.

Now let’s start from the beginning. You own a condo. We like your condo. You are selling your condo. We want to buy your condo. Don’t you see how easy this is?

SELL ME YOUR FUCKING CONDO

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Sell me your fucking condo

  1. Esquire

    You should look in my neighborhood. Lots of lovely condos, and we could go ogle Northeastern undergrads at the local dive bar in the evenings. If Mrs. Arcana was okay with that, of course.

  2. Mrs Pax

    Ogle away – just remember who’s paying the mortgage with you.

  3. You should look in my neighborhood. Lots of knife fights and cripples in motorized scooters, and we could go ogle Middlesex Community College undergrads at the local dive bar in the evenings.

  4. Thanks Lucy, but we’re confining our search to Massachusetts. Lowell is in West New Hampshire, right?

  5. You should move to Dedham. After you cook me dinner every night we could throw stuff at LB’s house.

  6. Pingback: Daydream believer «

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