Turns out the real danger of TV is that it will actually, physically, crush your children.
According to MSNBC.com, the Web site arm of the network that brings you popular shows like OH MY GOD YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A PERVERT and IS YOUR KID MAKING RICIN IN THE KITCHEN?, the volume of furniture-on-child violence in this country rose 41% from 1990 to 2007.
And you can guess what is to blame, right? That’s right — the Japanese and their crazy TV-making abilities:
The increase correlated with the popularity of ever-bigger flat-panel televisions that Americans have brought into their homes in that time, along with the entertainment centers and narrow, less-stable stands to hold them. Injuries from televisions alone accounted for nearly half of all injuries related to falling furniture during the study period — 47 percent.
Now, you might think that’s not a convincing argument. After all, flat-panel TVs didn’t really become popular until a few years ago, and if they’re comparing 2007 to 1990, there seems to be at least a decade there where TVs were unlikely to be the cause of any increase in accidents. Also, the study cited doesn’t seem to blame flat-screens for the increase — it’s almost like MSNBC.com pulled it right out of its ass, then got a few attention whoring “child safety experts” to weigh in.
I say you’re over-thinking it. Just sit back and let the news cascade over you like a golden shower of sort-of information. There. You feel better? You shouldn’t. BECAUSE YOUR KID IS ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE!
To be fair, I should point out that MSNBC.com doesn’t explicitly say that falling flat-screen TVs are a growing threat to kids, except in the headline, which is “Falling flat-screen TVs a growing threat to kids.”