Boston police finally getting assault rifles


Pax Arcana

If there’s one characteristic that defines our local police force here in Boston, it’s restraint.

I mean, sure, they killed that unarmed 21-year-old girl who was out celebrating the Red Sox ALCS title in 2004, but it’s not like they stood in a circle and beat her with tire irons or anything. Instead they just shot her in the face from close range with a ball of pepper spray. I think that shows remarkable judiciousness in the face of a partying 21-year-old girl.

Or that time that they shoved some of my reporter friends around for having the nerve to ask questions outside the designated “freedom of speech” cage at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, so clearly the best course of action is to kick people with pens before they cut your ass.

Luckily for law-abiding citizens like myself, the Boston Police force has begun to deploy even more powerful weapons with which to demonstrate its infinite patience and good judgment. According to the Globe, the police are getting ready to hand out up to 200 high-powered M16 assault rifles to the boys in blue.

Why? Terrorism.

Why terrorism?


The M16 rifle is a standard, military-issue weapon distributed to US armed forces. It can be used in the field by soldiers with a fully automatic function, operating as a machine-gun, but the Boston proposal is to arm them the weapons for semiautomatic operation.

The law enforcement officials who discussed the proposal said department leaders have described the need for more potent weaponry to confront terrorists like the ones who attacked hotels and other sites in Mumbai, India, last November, killing 166 people and wounding 234 others.

Wait a minute. I thought Twitter caused the Mumbai attacks. And now everyone’s on Twitter!

Time to get the Boston cops some rocket launchers.

Police getting more firepower []



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3 responses to “Boston police finally getting assault rifles

  1. Fallen Angel

    this is so fucked up

  2. Mike

    I enjoyed your posts on the furniture and the boston police. Where do you come up with this stuff?

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