The wallabies are stoned


Pax Arcana

A few days ago we brought you the not-really latest on Australia’s adorable political scandal, and quoted a pundit wallaby on the matter. Several readers wrote in to complain that wallaby pundit’s language was more gibberish than the queen’s English.

“These blowies are cross as a frog in a sock, but all this earbashing is just furphy really,” he said. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go chuck a sickie and go hit the turps. I’m dry as a nun’s nasty today.”

At first I dismissed the gibberish claims, on the grounds that most Australians sound like they’re speaking a language invented by drunken Japanese John Wayne impersonators.

But lately it has come to my attention that the wallaby population down under is struggling with a major drug problem, which may be the cause of wallaby pundit’s curious vernacular:

Tasmanian poppy growers have a bizarre explanation for crop circles found in their paddocks: drugged out wallabies. It has been found the marsupials are breaking into opium poppy fields and getting high after eating the poppy heads.

Tasmania’s Attorney-General Lara Giddings said the intoxicated wallabies then hopped around in circles, making the formations.

“The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles,” Ms Giddings told a Budget Estimates hearing.

Of course wallaby pundit isn’t going to take these accusations of drug abuse lying down. In an interview on the Qantas Vegemite News Hour,  he vigorously disputed the charges leveled against him and the rest of wallaby-kind:

“These knockers have me flat out ropeable! It’s London to a brick that my shonky ex-sheila and her stickybeak sister have gone troppo in some tall poppies and are full whacka — tits and all. Besides, even if I was full as a goog in a field somewhere, I doubt I’d be turning circles. Those Chinamen could hardly have built those railroads if they all had the wobbly boot on, right?”

Wacked out wallabies creating crop circles [Live News]


1 Comment

Filed under science

One response to “The wallabies are stoned

  1. High wallaby pundit should debate angry gorilla.

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