Monthly Archives: August 2009

Opportunity Lost

Fallen Angel

Yeah so I haven’t posted anything here in a while, but I had to take this chance to vent, especially with Pax outta here.  Despite being a fan of both wrestling AND the Insane Clown Posse (yeah, I rule, what of it?), I managed to miss this.  The worst part is, I was actually on vacation when it happened.  Further proof that I suck at life.  Thanks for not taking me Father Scott…now I missed the sex in the air…

Nothing says hardcore like BOUNCY BOXING~!

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Friday Random 10: Abbey Road Edition

Pax Arcana

Tomorrow marks the 40th anniversary of the iconic photograph of John, Paul, George, and Ringo crossing Abbey Road. The picture was used as the album art on the Abbey Road album, and is a living reminder that British people have always walked in single file. No one knows why.

abbey_road

If Paul McCartney were alive today, I’d ask him about the final words to the album, in which he sings “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Because it seems to me the more love you make, the sleepier you get. Just sayin’.

The Songs:

God Save the Queen — Sex Pistols
You Really Got Me — The Kinks
Broken Face — The Pixies
Sound of Silver — LCD Soundsystem
Take the Fifth — Spoon
Atlas — Battles
Because — The Beatles
Labrythnian Pomp — Of Montreal
Dreamer — Tiny Vipers
Point and Shoot — Yo La Tengo

Bonus Video:

Ring of Fire — Ray Charles (Live on the Johnny Cash Show)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

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David Lee Roth had his reasons

Pax Arcana

david-lee-rothIn the early 1980s, while Malcolm Jamal Warner was busy making the children of the world cooler, Van Halen was making a reputation for itself as the world’s leader in jackass tour riders.

By now the sight of a superstar band demanding preposterous concessions while on tour is a familiar one. But it all began in 1981 when Van Halen insisted that they be served M&Ms with all the brown ones picked out. The penalty for discovering a single brown M&M was a complete cancellation of the show.

Van Halen’s demand earned them a reputation for petulance. But according to Snopes.com (via Boing Boing), David Lee Roth actually had a good reason for it. Because the Van Halen show required more equipment and technical infrastructure than most venues were used to, the band used the M&M clause to ensure that the venue had done its due diligence. From Roth’s autobiography:

The contract rider read like a version of the Chinese Yellow Pages because there was so much equipment, and so many human beings to make it function. So just as a little test, in the technical aspect of the rider, it would say “Article 148: There will be fifteen amperage voltage sockets at twenty foot spaces, evenly, providing nineteen amperes … ” And article 126, in the middle of nowhere, was: “There will be no brown M&Ms in the backstage area, upon pain of forfeiture of the show, with full compensation.”

So when I would walk backstage, if I saw a brown M&M in that bowl … well, line check the entire production. Guaranteed you’re going to find a technical error. They didn’t read the contract. Guaranteed you’d run into a problem. Sometimes it would threaten to destroy just the whole show. Something like, literally, life-threatening.

In a sad, ironic twist, David Lee Roth’s career was finally killed by a brown M&M. In Roth’s defense, I don’t know why the brown one had to hog the spotlight at Skylar’s 8th birthday party. The yellow one that does the jumping splits has all the talent.

Van Halen had good reason to ban brown M&Ms in their concert rider [Boing Boing]

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Our kids are 150% sissier than before

Pax Arcana

Our children are increasingly obese, the sad byproduct of cheap carbohydrates and a sedentary lifestyle. Returning physical education to budget-strapped public schools is one of key efforts in the drive to combat the problem.

But according to this article, that effort is fraught with issues — including a 150% increase in gym class injuries from 1997-2007:

boy_cryingThe study, based on hospital reports of phys ed injuries, was released Monday and appears in the September edition of Pediatrics. It suggests schools should renew their efforts to make gym class safer, said Cheryl Richardson of the National Association for Sport and Physical Education in Reston, Va.

Richardson noted some school districts don’t require teachers to be certified to teach phys ed, particularly at the elementary school level.

“Classroom teachers who aren’t trained in P.E. might not recognize situations that can cause injury,” Richardson said. Certified physical education teachers know where to position themselves, the amount of space children need around them for activities and proper warmup exercises.

Ordinarily this is where I make a snarky joke about the study or its findings or the article itself, but not today. Why? Because there once was a little blond boy who loved gym class more than anything. Then one day he was climbing the knotted rope when an errant kickball hit him in the head. He didn’t fall off the rope, but he was so scared he shit his gym shorts — which were wrapped so tight around his oversized legs that the shit tumbled out of them and fell all the way to the floor below.

The other children screamed and laughed, and the little blond boy with the shit-stained shorts clung to the rope crying and wishing he were somewhere — anywhere! — else. Then one of the other children threw a tennis ball at him and his hands slipped, causing him to slide back down the rope upside down, his knees crashing against the knots as gravity yanked him down to the floor — into the very pile of shit he had inadvertently deposited moments before.

For the rest of the year, the other children called him “Dookie” and rode their bikes past his house and threw tennis balls on his lawn and shouted insults at him.

Things got so bad for the little blond boy that the principal of the school had to hold an assembly where the traveling cast of Free to Be You and Me told the children it was mean to make fun of others. When one of the cast members asked the students if they’d ever been the butt of a joke, a student in the back shouted “NO BUT DOOKIE HAS A JOKE FOR A BUTT!!” The little blond boy sunk down in his seat and cried softly to himself for the rest of the hour.

Do you know who that little boy was?

Seriously — do you know? Because that shit was funny as hell and I’d love to post “Hey Dookie! WANT TO CLIMB SOME ROPES??!!!” on his Facebook page.

Study finds 150 percent rise in student injuries in gym class over 11 years [Newser]

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The most 80s-ist thing ever

Pax Arcana

spudsPeople like to make fun of the 1980s because they were — and this is not up for debate — the lamest time in the history of American culture. Honest to God there were two or three years there where Spuds Mackenzie could have been elected to Congress.

As a child of that era, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that it wasn’t my fucking fault. Yes, I wore Jams and got my haircut like McGyver and bought a Glass Tiger album. But what the fuck did you expect from an entire generation that grew up with shit like this pushed in our face all the time?

Seriously, every time I see some 23-year-old wearing cheap-ass retro 1980s sunglasses, I want to curb stomp his ass. The 80s were like the bubonic plague only worse.

Videogum’s Teen Korner: Learn How 2 Be Cool With Malcolm Jamal Warner [VideoGum]

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“A dino ate my baby!”

Pax Arcana

Like most right-thinking Americans, I know that dinosaurs were invented by godless liberal scientists to discredit the Bible.

So of course it makes sense to learn that not only did science use fancy terms like “microscope” and “carbon dating” and “hypothesis” to invent the dinosaurs — they also made them baby killers. According to The Independent (UK), the famous dinosaur Tyrannosaurus Rex did not actually do battle with other large land mammals — instead preferring to feast on more tender fare:

Titantic struggles between consenting adults may well have happened on some occasions but a far more likely scenario is that the Tyrannosaurs preferred to tuck into small and unwary juveniles rather than their fully-grown and dangerously armoured parents, explains David Hone, a British-born palaeontologist working in China.

“Modern predators mainly attack vulnerable, young animals as they are inexperienced in evading predators, and this was probably the same in dinosaurs,” said Dr Hone, who works at the Institute of Vertebrate Palaeontology and Palaeoanthropology in Beijing.

“Young prey are easier to bring down and the risk of injury to the predator is much lower,” he said.

It makes sense that godless liberals would invent an entire race of scaly baby killers, but the more important question is “What can we do about it now?” After all, it wasn’t that long ago that early man and dinosaurs shared the same earth (before Jesus fought them all to the death one-by-one), so we had better be prepared for more of the same.

Thankfully I have my own connections in the scientific community. Let’s see how T. Rex does against the furious pecking wrath of Dinochicken, bitchez.

dinochicken_TRex

The great battle for dinosupremacy has begun!

Jurassic bully: Pick on someone your own size… [Independent]

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Our most popular post

Father Scott

Because of our paucity of posting of late, Paxites have been forced to comb through the archives. The most popular story of each of the last few days, by far?

This one.

Good choice, readers. It’s my favorite of Pax’s titles, but I imagine it has something more to do with Shark Week than Senor Arcana’s journalistic skillz. So let’s give Discovery Channel a free plug. There’s no way we would have reached double-digit readership without them.

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The AP owns what you say

Father Scott

It’s no secret around these parts that the traditional media has had some problems with new business models. I’d start linking to Pax’s various posts about this, but I don’t have a free 13 hours to do so.

Via http://www.twitter.com/btb_sky comes this story of a man who would like to reproduce his own quote for a news story, and all the AP is asking is for $17.50 to do so.

The Microsoft-Yahoo search deal was big news this past week, and I took plenty of press calls about it, including from the AP. But to quote what I told the AP, I have to pay them $17.50. For the record, I love APs reporters and am always happy to serve as a source. The reporters at the AP have nothing to do with the absurdities of AP’s business side. The business side declares that if I want to quote myself from that article, using the AP’s online form, it will cost me $17.50.

Well that seems reasonable. I once had a heated discussion with Pax about the unending battle between cake and pie (cake wins, natch). Jaelynne later asked me about it and as I opened my mouth, Pax took my wallet and pulled out bills for every word I spoke. Then he pushed me on the ground and kicked dirt in my face, which seemed unnecessary.

Oh but that’s not all. You want to update your Facebook profile with a favorite quotation from one of our founding fathers? That’ll be 12 bucks.

From an article in The Laboratorium:

The Associated Press has become so deranged, so disconnected from reality, that it will sell you a “license” to quote words it didn’t write and doesn’t own. I paid $12 for this “license.” Those words don’t even come from the article they charged me 46 cents a word to quote from (and that’s with the educational discount). No, they’re from Thomas Jefferson’s letter to Isaac McPherson, in which Jefferson argues that copyright has no basis in natural law.

In summation: You have to pay to quote anyone who said anything; and you don’t have to pay the person who said it, but rather some other company who is just delaying its demise. Also: Being in the media sucks and you should get out now if you haven’t already been laid off, or you can just wait until your corporation gets swallowed up.

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Scotland doesn’t really exist, Part II

Pax Arcana

haggisContemporary historians have already documented that kilts, tartans, cabers, funny talking, blue face paint, rage, and public drunkenness are not native to Scotland as once believed.

Now a food historian named Catherine Brown says that Haggis — the oatmeal, liver and blood-filled sheep’s intestine the Scots love so dearly — is actually a British invention and therefore both effeminate and doughy:

The writer, herself a Scot, found a reference to the ‘delicacy’ in the 17th century book ‘The English Hus-wife’, by Gervase Markham.

It says ‘small oat meal mixed with the blood, and the liver of either sheep, calfe, or swine, maketh that pudding which is called the Haggas, or Haggus of whose goodnesse it is vain to boast, because there is hardly to be found a man that doth not affect (like) them.’

The book predates Robert Burns’ ode to Haggis by 171 years, causing historians to suggest that Haggis — like many of the things we consider “Scottish” — originated in England and found its way north after the fact.

When reached for comment, the Scottish said “AHHH FACK OFF YA FACKIN’ WANKERRR OR I’LL RUN YA THROUGH WITH ME RUSTY POLE.” So I guess they disagree.

If you’re a Scot, look away now [Daily Mail]

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