Most law enforcement officers signed up for the job hoping to clothesline a would-be purse-snatcher or tackle a terrorist moments before he takes out a preschool classroom. Then you spend the next 20 years filling out paperwork and having teenagers throw donuts at your car.

Then one day you’re out on the beat — your hair still greasy and matted down from a Sunday spent watching the Jets and Giants move to 3-0 — and you find yourself a key player in the single greatest sentence in the history of American journalism:

Police say a 1,400-pound bull that escaped from a northern New Jersey slaughterhouse dragged officers with a lasso down a street and ran 10 blocks before being captured and sedated.

I don’t think I should have to break this down for you people, but I think I can prove quantitatively that this is the most awesomest sentence ever written:

1. A bull busted out of a slaughterhouse? +2 awesomeness points!

2. This happened in Paterson, N.J.? +9 awesomeness points!

3. Police in Paterson have lassos? +25 awesomeness points!

4. The bull dragged MULTIPLE officers down the street with said lasso before being detained? +ELeventy-billion awesomeness points!

I’m actually glad I wasn’t around to see this unfold. I’ve heard bulls are attracted to uncontrollable laughter and hyperventilation. And that the cops in Paterson have fucking lassos and aren’t afraid to use them. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!

Anyway, the cops finally did subdue the bull, but only after the animal’s failed attempt to fit in with its new environment:


1,400-pound bull drags officers down NJ street [AP]



Filed under crime

3 responses to “RUN, YOU BIG BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH, RUN!!1!!!111!!

  1. this blog would be so much better, and your job so much easier, if you limited posts to those including bulls in zubaz pants, the dramatic squirrel, and that smoking hot norweigan chick with the great rack holding the huge beer glasses. everything else is just filler.

  2. Perry Ellis

    +10,000 awesomeness points to Pax for this post. And -10 gazinty-billion awesomeness points to Lucy for being a dour killjoy. Cheer up, Eeyore, for Christ’s sake. And for the last time, it’s a god-damned woodchuck, not a squirrel.

  3. i’m not being dour. i am just a simple man who needs little in life. a dramatic squirrel/woodchuck. a bull in zubaz pants. and that norweigan chick with her beer and cans. give me that and i’m happy.

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