There is tragic news out of Father Scott’s home state today, as it appears someone has stolen Miss Maine’s crown — right from the back seat of her car:
Susie Stauble of Gray reported to police last week that someone stole the crown, which was in a box, from the back seat of her car. Stauble says the replacement cost is $300 but that the crown itself is priceless to her. For now, she’s borrowing a crown from Miss Maine 2008, Adrienne Watkinson, for official appearances.
Normally I don’t condone vigilante justice, but I’ll be damned if I sit by and allow America’s beauty pageant winners to suffer such indignities. These people are better than the rest of us, a fact confirmed by the judges who get to vote on these things. It’s just science.
Anyway, let’s run down the most likely suspects, pageant-style:
4th Runner-Up: Becky Carnahan
The case against her: A high school classmate, Carnahan never got over Stauble’s unfair appointment to the Moose Parade Party Planning Committee. As if she needed to be on ANOTHER page of the yearbook!
Carnahan is currently a data processing coordinator at Data Processing Coordination, INC. She is the head of the DPC Team Integration And Retraining Alliance, which in acronym form spells TIARA.
“That’s a total coincidence,” she says.
3rd Runner-Up: This Mountie
The case against him: Maine is right next to Canada, and everybody knows Mounties are thieving douches.
2nd Runner-Up: Diamandina Specialness Lacey
The case against her: After losing a tight race to Stauble in the Miss Maine pageant, Lacey may have felt an intense animosity toward her vanquisher. She also told several friends at the DQ that she needed money for a 1993 Saturn she’s had her eye on.
When not selling pencils by the freeway, Lacey works as a customer care representative at an auto parts store. She is also well on her way to splitting a giant inheritance with a Nigerian millionaire.
1st Runner-Up: Your mom
The case against her: She gave birth to you
And your winner, as determined by a vote of impartial pretend judges…
THE FOUR-CLAWED LOBSTER OF DEATH!!!
GIVE THE TIARA BACK YOU DAMN DIRTY CRUSTACEAN!
Miss Maine wants her crown back [Globe]