Don’t call it a comeback

Father Scott

I live by a few simple rules in life. Always accept free cake. Don’t trust large, goofy scandinavians.

But the most important one is: If many women ask you to do something, do it.

And that rule is why I’m happy to announce the return of the greatest regular feature in the illustrious history of Pax Arcana: Tuesday Tubby Tearfest.

I lost interest in The Biggest Loser after season 6’s unlikeable cast was followed by season 7’s unwatchable cast. Basically, Paul left large shoes to fill (literally and figuratively). Wonder if he ever got over his post-show pneumonia.

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With Samurai focus, I build this carrot tree. Carrot. Carrot cake. Pulled pork. Chocolate-covered nachos with mayonnaise. MMMMMM

Anyway, I have three more shows to catch up on to get back to real-time, but should be able to carve out four or five hours in my weekend of coke orgies to do so.

After episode 1, I have the following thoughts:

1) Jillian has become a parody of herself, to hilarious results. She’s still motherfucking insane.

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“I will eat your face! I AM SERIOUS! I DERIVE SUSTENANCE FROM THE TEARS AND FLESHY GOODNESS OF UNHAPPY MORBIDLY OBESE ASSHOLES!!!! HOLD ME BACK BOB”

2) Coach Mo is awesome. I dread his eventual dismissal (thanks for the spoiler, Pax).

3) Never before have I seen a reality cast more coached by the producers. How many sentences started with, “I feel like I have a second chance…” in the first episode? The over under was 143.5, and I’m betting Pax’s mortgage on the over.

4) Alison Sweeney is smokin’.

If you haven’t yet read Tuesday Tubby Tearfest, here’s what you can expect:

1) Making fun of fat people who cry

2) Philosophical discussions as to whether Jillian is human

3) What delicious food I eat while watching these fatasses struggle to get out of bed in the morning

If that doesn’t sound like your slice of pie, go back to tweeting about Balloon Boy, or whatever it is you people do.

UPDATE: OMGZ 47 billion hat tips to Pax for this astoundingly…something…video by/about Paul:

12 Comments

Filed under television

12 responses to “Don’t call it a comeback

  1. Fallen Angel

    jillian is still smokin’

  2. colinsteele

    Sweet. My girlfriend got me sucked into the show this season so I will be commenting snarkily on all future TTT posts.

  3. That picture of Paul is still my favorite thing in entire world. I want him to open a dojo so I can join it.

  4. The video of Paul might be better.

  5. “Alright. Let’s go lift some 4-wheelers.”

  6. Might be my new catch-phrase

  7. Do you think Paul had his entire wardrobe burned and now all he wears is the clothing given to him by Biggest Loser?

    The Black Team will never die!

  8. Jaelynne

    I love you for this, Father Scott.

    This better mean you’re coming to the finale taco party, since you unfortunately blew off the episode 5 taco party and left 4 girls to watch without you, crying and dripping tears into their glasses of wine.

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