Tuesday Tubby Tearfest: In which I straight up don’t believe NBC

Father Scott

We all know that reality shows lie to our faces every episode. For instance, The Hills masquerades as non-fiction. Flavor of Love seems to suggest that Flavor Flav reads above a third-grade level. The Bachelor/Bachelorette series want you to think that every time a contestant is sent home, it was “the hardest decision [the main character] has ever made.”

For the most part we accept it, because it adds to the drama, or on the other hand makes whatever we’re being spoonfed more digestable.

The Biggest Loser isn’t so bad as far as this stuff goes. I mean, their product placements are now so direct that I almost think they’re wink-wink-nudge-nudge jokes from production assistants. (Note: Last week I was grocery shopping and intentionally didn’t buy Yoplait yogurt because I’m sick of Bob talking down to me about my snack choices. Take that Tats McGee.)

The contestants regularly talk about going home, refer to the show, and last week we even saw a producer step in front of the camera when Coach Mo took a tumble.

But here’s one major way NBC is lying to us: There is no way on God’s green Earth that Alexandra/Antoine “relationship” is not set up.

Alexandra left after like a week. Antoine goes home a few weeks later, and during his send-off it is revealed that they had a connection and now work out together and are dating. They even drop the L-bomb on camera.

Now hold up.

They met for a week. They were both morbidly obese. They were on the show for weight loss, and spent eight hours a day drenched in sweat. Romance is not even a C-story on this show, because America doesn’t want to watch unattractive people banging (they want to watch unattractive people become attractive, then start banging).

I went to NBC’s website for more details, and believe there are further lies. Antoine is listed as from North Carolina, while Alexandra is from Pennsylvania, which disputes Pax’s theory that they knew each other beforehand. Or does it? Alexandra claims to be working on her MBA…but is age 20. And where is she in college?

I call shenanigans NBC. Either Alexandra goes to Duke and is already nailing Antoine (who’s going to be an attractive dude if he slices off another 100 lbs.), or you guys pulled the two As together and said, “hey fatties, let’s ham it up for the camera, maybe you’ll get a spin-off show”.

Well fatties, you won’t, and stop lying to us.

And if you’re wondering why I’m talking about this now…Dina is boring and I have nothing to say about her.

OVER/UNDER ON CRYING

I’m going with 23.5 this week. The website promises a former contestant to come back, and that shit always rattles these people. It involved a record, so it’s probably whoever lost 100 lbs. the soonest, since Rudy is banging down that door. I hope the record is actually “most tree-like carrot sculpture” so Paul can make his return. Or maybe it’s “most not-over his ex-wife.”

WHO’S GOING HOME

Daniel. His production has dropped off, and I don’t think it’s a blip. He’s got emotional problems, but the sympathy can only go so far, and this cast’s sympathy is clearly all with Shay.

WHAT TO EAT

As you’re watching The Biggest Loser, you’re probably eating. They’re constantly tempting the contestants with delicious treats, and if you’ve got time to plop down for two hours on the couch, you’re probably not the kind of go-getter that’s at the gym at night.

So eat something delicious that those assholes can’t get away with.

Last week I went frozen pizza followed by a bunch of bite-sized candy. Tonight, I’ll probably eat before the show, but for during-show snack, I’m going with my mom’s homemade pumpkin whoopie pies, whose secret ingredient is sugar-infused sugar-butter sugar sugar sugar. It promises to be a delight, though type-2 diabetes probably won’t be.

Enjoy the show, Paxites.

3 Comments

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3 responses to “Tuesday Tubby Tearfest: In which I straight up don’t believe NBC

  1. Jaelynne

    1) I’m calling under on the tears. I think they’ll all be fired up this week after the emotionfest we saw last Tuesday with half the contestants at home crying to their families.

    2) I totally agree that Daniel is getting voted out. I’m waiting for another contestant to cry foul that he got two chances to be on this show, and they’re all fighting for just one.

    3) I’m going to Chilis tonight, and I’ll probably get fajitas. So what will I eat during the show? More fajitas, my friend.

    Of course – don’t forget that the Celtics are on.
    The good thing about basketball?
    a) No crying
    b) The locker rooms are probably nicer than most of the contestants’ houses
    c) There’s a rich abundance of sodium-based foods available at the concession stands. And plenty of kegs of beer.

    • Try telling Big Baby there’s no crying in basketball.

      I hope I get to watch tonight. I’m on Vegas time so hopefully it’s on early.

      Also, I’m grounded from interacting with staff or attendees thanks to my rapidly-developing Swine flu(-ish) something. So I basically flew to Vegas for set up day and half of a jumpstart.

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