Tuesday Tubby Tearfest: Ranking the final four

Father Scott

Well I’m finally caught up in real time with the greatest show about the obese on the planet — I sucked it up and watched last week, then the previous episode out of order on Hulu. I’m still disgusted with you, free service that probably costs an arm and a leg to produce and yet only gets complaints from its users.

So we’ve reached the final four. I don’t really know what to expect from tonight’s episode — it says “at a special time” which might mean “we didn’t have enough good material for two hours, so we’re starting at 9” or even more egregiously “the President wants to talk to you and somehow that’s more important than watching fat people do jumping jacks.”

But I can tell you something about last week: Suze Orman is a frightening individual. I’m not sure she knows anything, but she has an abnormal amount of confidence in what she says. Listening to her talk about finances reminds me of when Jillian tries to do the psychobabble and the contestants who aren’t emotional infants (OK, there aren’t many of them) just kind of scoff at her.

So let’s talk big picture this week. Who’s winning this thing? I don’t think any really stand out as particularly dedicated, so it’s a tough call, but I’ll go in reverse order of my own personal rankings.

4. Liz. How is this woman still here? You know what Liz, your southern Grandma act is getting old. You have a charming accent. Get off my television so I can look at Ali a little more.

3. Danny. This man is the best earnest tear factory since Bob’s man-crush Mark from a couple seasons ago. But I think we’re going to see a plateau from Danny. GOOD GOD does he have a gut, also. Did he program his body to send all goods consumed directly to his stomach? How has he worked out for 3 months and lost 100+ lbs. and still have his stomach hang over his pants? Poor guy. But he’s not winning.

2. Amanda. I find Bob’s obsession with Amanda confusing. 1) Bob’s gay, right? And Amanda’s a woman, right? 2) She looks like LeAnn Rimes. A compliment? 3) She’s one of the few to walk out on a workout, and I actually think she’s done it more than once. What am I missing here? Anyway, she’s young and a female so she probably won’t plateau as much, but still, I don’t know that her heart is in it once she gets away from Bob.

1. Rudy. Rudy’s still got some weight to drop, but he’s got the athletic build and the endurance to keep going. Most importantly he’s got the drive from within, or at least he seems to. Jillian was pissed that he bottles it up, but sometimes I think it’s better to be less vocal about it, especially once you need to go back to regular life.

TEARS THIS WEEK:

The description on the site is as follows:

Special time, 9/8c! Last season’s finalists return to cheer the final four on as they face their toughest challenge: a marathon.

Toughest challenge? Past season returning? A FREAKING MARATHON? This is a tear explosion, even with fewer contestants on the show. I’m setting the line at an unprecedented 24.5.

WHAT TO EAT:

I probably won’t eat unhealthily during the show. For shame, I know. But I have a return to the flag football field this weekend, and am actually going to the gym after work, because I’m pretty sure if I ride on a bike machine for a couple hours this week I will officially be in shape before the game. But if I were to eat something horrible, it would be my go-to McDonald’s meal: a number 1 meal and a McChicken. That McChicken really does the trick.

And you know what I learned last night? Big Macs aren’t that bad for you, really. 29 grams of fat according to my Subway napkin. 29 grams of fat? I figured it was 60. NOW I CAN EAT TWO.

Enjoy the show, tiny folks.

2 Comments

Filed under television

2 responses to “Tuesday Tubby Tearfest: Ranking the final four

  1. I think I’m pulling for Rudy. When he was still bushy in the beard and head area, he looked like the Geico eyeballs floating in a pile of discarded pubes. Something about that just feels…. right.

  2. Jaelynne

    I think Danny is going to win. He is a skinny guy trapped in the body of an elephant who ate another whole elephant who loves nachos. He’s begging to be let out and he’s one of 4 people to have lost that percent of weight. AND HE HAS MORE TO GO.

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