Don’t forget to watch one fat person get chosen over other fat people

Father Scott

Tonight marks the finale of The Biggest Loser, also known as the Paradise Lost of television.

Rather than ramble on about who’s going to win (Rudy) or who I want to win (Rudy), I’d like to introduce a one-time interactive Pax Arcana feature.

Keeping track of tears tonight would be both wasteful and pointless. The count will be staggering, because there is a live audience of other fat people who have been “inspired” by these fat people. So I provide no over/under — it’s off the board.

Rather, here is what we track: How many times does the wonderful Ali get sidetracked by an exuberant cast member who doesn’t realize that live TV requires carefully timed segments? We’ve all seen Ali try to wrest control of the program from these blubbering fools, and the results are always embarrassingly fun. Poor Ali. I have a shoulder you can cry on, Miss Sweeney. Two, in fact.

So the line is an ambitious 6.5 tonight. I think Danny alone could ramble past his due time at least 4 times. Let’s see how smooth Ali can keep this.

Enjoy the show, people. And if all this inspirational weight loss is a little too positive for you, you can always check this out to see a fat guy who fell off the wagon. (ht: Spackler)

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