Category Archives: crime

RUN, YOU BIG BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH, RUN!!1!!!111!!

Most law enforcement officers signed up for the job hoping to clothesline a would-be purse-snatcher or tackle a terrorist moments before he takes out a preschool classroom. Then you spend the next 20 years filling out paperwork and having teenagers throw donuts at your car.

Then one day you’re out on the beat — your hair still greasy and matted down from a Sunday spent watching the Jets and Giants move to 3-0 — and you find yourself a key player in the single greatest sentence in the history of American journalism:

Police say a 1,400-pound bull that escaped from a northern New Jersey slaughterhouse dragged officers with a lasso down a street and ran 10 blocks before being captured and sedated.

I don’t think I should have to break this down for you people, but I think I can prove quantitatively that this is the most awesomest sentence ever written:

1. A bull busted out of a slaughterhouse? +2 awesomeness points!

2. This happened in Paterson, N.J.? +9 awesomeness points!

3. Police in Paterson have lassos? +25 awesomeness points!

4. The bull dragged MULTIPLE officers down the street with said lasso before being detained? +ELeventy-billion awesomeness points!

I’m actually glad I wasn’t around to see this unfold. I’ve heard bulls are attracted to uncontrollable laughter and hyperventilation. And that the cops in Paterson have fucking lassos and aren’t afraid to use them. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!

Anyway, the cops finally did subdue the bull, but only after the animal’s failed attempt to fit in with its new environment:

jersey_bull

1,400-pound bull drags officers down NJ street [AP]

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under crime

This is embarrassing

Perry Ellis

You mean to tell me the best James Michael Curley‘s home town can do is a couple of penny-ante liquor license fooraraws, while the governor of Illinois gets taken down by the Feds?

Somebody tell Deval to get on the stick and bribe somebody already. And it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a few curses, either.

blagojevich
Best. Haircut. Ever.

Leave a comment

Filed under crime, language, pigs, politics, scams

Update: Sorry but it’s still funny

 

Perry Ellis

Yesterday we relayed the hilarious clip of some dude knocking Noel Gallagher ass-over-teakettle. Turns out it’s not funny anymore:

“Despite his injuries, Noel returned to the stage a few minutes later to complete the band’s set but was taken to hospital after the show to be examined for a suspected fractured rib and ligament damage. The assailant was detained in police custody and will be charged with assault.”

Well, I still hate Oasis (and I still think that shit is kinda funny), but fractured ribs are no joke. That’s gotta hurt like hell (and looking at it again it appears that the guy caught poor Noel from behind and completely unaware, which is the definition of a cgheap shot. Gutless. Punk.)

So hopefully Noel will recover soon so he can get back to torturing people with his crappy songs. Feel better, dude.

Leave a comment

Filed under bands, crime, filler, music

Best. Headline. Ever.

Perry Ellis

Mrs. Ellis and I will be welcoming little Buster into the world tomorrow, so posts from Perryville will be in short supply for a while.

To help tide you over, though, go here for the best headline you’ll ever read. Ever.

1 Comment

Filed under crime, journalism, media, misleading headlines

Wednesday WTF!!?: Perry Indignata edition

Perry Ellis

In the latest edition of our heralded “Features inaugurated that die from neglect” series comes this report via Pitchfork about Frank Black Black Francis Charles Michael Kittridge Thompson IV, who evidently has lost his fucking mind:

“Onetime Pixies frontman Charles ‘Some Combination of “Frank or Francis” and “Black”‘ Thompson, fresh off the release of his mini-LP SVN FNGRS, will open a handful of shows on the Stone Temple Pilots reunion tour this summer. The very same Stone Temple Pilots fronted by the fella whose next LP is being recorded by one Steve Albini? Indeed, the same. Could our STP being making their grab at art-rock glory? Is a critical reappraisal of Shangri-La Dee Da nigh? Man, whatever, just as long as Candlebox aren’t reuniting or anything. Ah, shit.”


      
We know exactly how you feel, Chuck.

Just about the only thing we hate more than Alice in Chains is the insipid, wannabe, pukesome AiC imitation that is Stone Temple Pilots. We loved the Pixies, just freakin’ loved ’em, and Mr. Thompson’s solo efforts are in mild rotation ’round the Ellis manse. So this is bad news.

The good news? Thirty-nine days and counting.

And what the fuck is Albini thinking, anyway? You need to get a grip, people. seriously. Let us spell it out for you:

STP : Good music :: Dog shit : Fine dining.

Jesus.

15 Comments

Filed under bands, blasphemy, crime, music

Imagine what they’d do in Kentucky

Perry Ellis

It’s probably not news that in large swaths of America, homophobia is the norm. We came up in the 80s, when the Fenway was a no-fly zone after dark and “fag bashing” was the local neo-mook’s favorite form of recreation.

And it’s no surprise that a couple of guys kissing in public in Birmingham, Ala., prompted a 911 call from a hopelessly bigoted idiot concerned citizen.

But we thought some progress had been made, especially here in Massachusetts, where you might have heard something about gays and and weddings a few years back. So the depraved sociopath gentleman near the end of this clip evincing the desire to “put down” homosexuals, as if they were akin to Barbaro or the family weiner dog, gave us a disgustingly familiar chill.

We went to college with a guy named Dan, who was really smart, a little nerdy and otherwise seemingly normal.

Then one summer he and a few friends beat a gay man to death with baseball bats on a Boston street and Dan went to the Big House for a very, very long time (but not long enough; he’s probably out on parole by now).

Violence and racism seethe scarily close to the surface of our society. We guarantee that one of your relatives, close friends or co-workers is nursing the deformed, ugly idea that some class or sub-genre of human being is in fact inhuman. In fact, an honest look within yourself will likely find some nasty prejudices lurking in the far corners.

6 Comments

Filed under crime, Massachusetts, racism

Open letter to the kid who slashed the tire of my car while I was driving it

Perry Ellis

Dear Kid,

You may remember me as the guy driving the car whose tire you slashed as you and your three loser friends rode your bikes down my street. What you may not realize is that I live one house over from where you and your buddies blocked the road with your bikes before you decided to fuck up my day.

Let’s try a little thought experiment: Try to imagine my fury over this incident. In broad daylight, virtually in front of my own home, while we were in the moving car, you slashed my tire for no reason whatsoever as my horrified, seven-months-pregnant wife and two of her relatives looked on.

Why? Are you such a yellow dog, no-account, punk-ass bitch that you felt the need to vandalize our only means of transportation? Want to know my guess? Yes, you are.

Was it just a lark, something fun to do and then brag about to your loser friends? That tire cost me $180 dollars to replace; does that add to your glee? Are you happier in your pathetic, insular little world knowing that you cost a complete stranger nearly $200 on a whim?

I and my wife work our asses off to afford our place. We love it and the neighborhood. We’re pretty fond of the car, too. Not to mention the money we’re trying to save to raise a child. So this really sucked, big time.

The milk of human kindness is not known to run thick in my veins, but I can still find it within myself to hope that you and the meathead, crap-sack minions you call friends never have to experience something as infuriating and violating as this. You complete douchebag.

That said, you better pray I never see you on that cute little yellow bike again. I will door your ass into the next century, bitch. Seriously. I will fuck you up. Then I’ll laugh my ass off watching you cry your way home to Mama. Punk.

6 Comments

Filed under cars, crime