Tag Archives: crime

Hey there, handsome

Police in British Columbia are hot on the trail of a man wanted for getting all stabby on a lady. So if you live in the western half of Canadia and have boobies, you should definitely be extra careful.

Especially since this is no ordinary criminal, ladies. This one is an H O double T I E with a capital HAWT!

funny_sketch

Am I right, chickies?

If this criminal looks anything like his police sketch, I presume his M.O. is to flex his sexy forehead muscles and just charm the pants right off the ladies. And then stab them.

Unusual police sketch [Boing Boing]

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Quien es el bandito?

Pax Arcana

According to the Newton Tab, it appears there is a bandit of some sort run amok on the leafy streets of that suburb. At first the bandit merely covered someone’s car with flour, but recently he or she covered another car with flour, eggs, and salsa.

banditoThe presence of an exotic foreign ingredient like salsa indicates that this bandit is actually a bandito — perhaps a cartoonish one like the image at right. If you don’t mind, I’m going to use the rest of this post to address the bandito directly in his native language. Foreign languages have always come naturally to me, so perhaps I can help diffuse this situation.

Hola Senor Bandito,

Me llamo Paxito Arcanana. Yo soy escribador del Internet. Y tu eres un bandito muy fuerte y intelligente. Yo creo que eres el mejor bandito en todo el mundo. Tienes huevos aceros, mi amigo.

Por favor, bandito, no molesta mi coche. Es muy viejo, y no tengo dinero por un otro.

Entonces, yo se un otro hombre que tiene un coche. Se llama Father Scott, y su barba es muy feo. El coche de Father Scott es en Dedham usualmente. Busca un coche con fragrancia raro — como Pringles y flatulencia juntos.

Gracias, bandito mysterioso. Gracias.

Newton’s flour vandal experimenting with new dishes [Newton Tab]

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No, wait — it gets weirder

Pax Arcana

onjI had always figured that Father Scott’s favorite TV personality — hellaciously angry trainer Jillian from The Biggest Loser — would be the first person charged with a crime for exercising someone to death.

But an Ohio woman named Christine Newton-John (more on that name later) has apparently beaten Jillian to the punch. Newton-John recently pled guilty to inducing a heart attack in her 73-year-old husband by dragging him around a pool and refusing to let him out:

The chief said he counted 43 times in which Newton-John prevented her husband from leaving the water, and Mason rested his head on the side of the pool several times while gasping for breath.

“The video is bone-chilling,” Stehlik said. “The whole case is very sinister.”

Mason had a heart attack on June 2 after the extended swim session. An officer who had investigated previous complaints that Mason was being abused pursued the case because he suspected there was more to the death, Stehlik said.

But hang on to your underpants my friends, because this shit is only going to get weirder. Turns out Newton-John isn’t her real last name. And she wasn’t always her. Or something.

Check it:

Mason was a longtime friend of his wife’s family. He knew her as John Vallandingham before she had gender reassignment surgery in 1993 and changed her name in honor of Olivia Newton-John, the singer and star of the hit movie version of the musical “Grease.”

I’m sure Olivia was honored indeed.

Ohio woman pleads guilty in over-exercising death [Newser]

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Romanian thieves are ballsy

Pax Arcana

I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been questioning my exclusive reliance on Belgian thieves for my highway piracy work. Sure, they like the money. But their tactics are just so, well, borrrrrring.

I’ve been thinking of switching for a while, but wasn’t sure who to give my business to. According to this article, however, the choice is clear:

Six Romanians have been arrested on allegations they stole mobile phones and laptops from the back of a tractor-trailer as they followed it down a German autobahn at 60 miles an hour, Dortmund police said Tuesday.

Nice!

Let’s hear some more:

In the nighttime darkness, with their lights off, the men drove up behind a transport truck.

Once in place, one man climbed onto the hood of his own car, then used a bolt cutter to break a lock on the trailer door before heaving it open and climbing inside. He then handed boxes of electronics back to a second man on the car hood, who loaded them into the thieves’ vehicle, Radecke said.

A second car blocked the left lane during the operation to prevent other cars from pulling too close, he said.

One thing that stands out about this caper is the physical dexterity required to pull off a job like this. It must take years of training to maintain your balance while hopping from cars to trucks at high speed.

I wonder where the Romanians find criminals with such physical gifts?

6 allegedly steal electronics from moving trailer [AP]

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In Soviet Russia, the tennis racket plays you

Pax Arcana

Most sports fans have heard whispers that gambling had infiltrated professional tennis, but with all the news of steroids in baseball and zombies in our lake water, the tennis gambling story has taken a back seat.

That said, I strongly suggest you check out this ESPN account of just what’s going on with this situation (which I hereby dub “The Great Racket Racket”).

The story follows the gambling line on a match between world #4 Nikolay Davydenko and unheralded Martin Vassallo Arguello. Basically, the money on Arguello rose dramatically just before the match began last August — then rose even more even as Davydenko jumped out to a one set lead.

Davydenko eventually withdrew from the match, citing a bum foot. Some (i.e. those with a modicum of sensibility) say the event had all the hallmarks of a fix:

The ATP won’t comment on Davydenko’s medical condition. But it appears, from his record on the court immediately after the Sopot match, that he recovered fairly quickly. The week after retiring against Vassallo Arguello, Davydenko beat two players ranked in the top 30 at the event in Canada, the same event where Leitgeb says Davydenko was diagnosed with a stress fracture.

Two weeks later, Davydenko was healthy enough to make it to the semifinals of the U.S. Open before he lost to Roger Federer.

beach_guido_cross_tennis.jpg
Tennis, anyone?

Davydenko says he’s never been approached to throw a match in his life. Fair enough, but then he tosses all credibility aside when asked if he has any connection to the Russian mafia:

“It’s 2007, and there is no mafia in Russia,” he says.

In his defense, it is 2008.

Evidence shows something terribly corrupt in infamous match [ESPN]

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Best. Lede. Ever.

Pax Arcana

There are probably few journalism jobs more hilarious than the crime beat at a tabloid paper. Witness my former colleague, and current Boston Herald crime reporter, O’Ryan Johnson’s take on a knife fight at a Brighton IHOP last weekend:

A knife duel between two workers at a Brighton greasy spoon turned the eatery into the International House of Pain.

If only Tom Brady’s boot was involved, this would be the lede of the year.

Employees’ knife fight has Brighton eatery hopping [Boston Herald]

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Wheat theives are rampaging the heartland or something

harvest_of_fear.jpg

Back in September, we brought you the story of Italian citizens protesting spiking wheat prices by boycotting pasta (we imagine that lasted two days, tops).

Now we find out, via The Grinder, that high wheat prices are leading to an epidemic of grainjacking in the red states. NPR says theives are just backing their trucks right up to giant grain elevators and taking their wheat to go:

In western Kansas police are investigating almost a dozen incidents where thieves using tractor trailers stole wheat from grain elevators.

The thieves hit at least four grain elevators near the western Kansas town of Syracuse and made off with more than $50,000 worth of raw wheat.

The loss of 50 large isn’t going to bankrupt any of these operations, but still it raises an issue: How the hell do you lock wheat? Especially when that kid from the city has just moved to town and wants to bring dancing to your daughter’s high school, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality…

The Great Grain Heist [The Grinder]
Soaring Grain Prices Prompt Wheat Thefts [NPR]
Footloose [IMDB]

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