Tag Archives: drugs

The wallabies are stoned

Fox_News_Wallaby_High

Pax Arcana

A few days ago we brought you the not-really latest on Australia’s adorable political scandal, and quoted a pundit wallaby on the matter. Several readers wrote in to complain that wallaby pundit’s language was more gibberish than the queen’s English.

“These blowies are cross as a frog in a sock, but all this earbashing is just furphy really,” he said. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go chuck a sickie and go hit the turps. I’m dry as a nun’s nasty today.”

At first I dismissed the gibberish claims, on the grounds that most Australians sound like they’re speaking a language invented by drunken Japanese John Wayne impersonators.

But lately it has come to my attention that the wallaby population down under is struggling with a major drug problem, which may be the cause of wallaby pundit’s curious vernacular:

Tasmanian poppy growers have a bizarre explanation for crop circles found in their paddocks: drugged out wallabies. It has been found the marsupials are breaking into opium poppy fields and getting high after eating the poppy heads.

Tasmania’s Attorney-General Lara Giddings said the intoxicated wallabies then hopped around in circles, making the formations.

“The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles,” Ms Giddings told a Budget Estimates hearing.

Of course wallaby pundit isn’t going to take these accusations of drug abuse lying down. In an interview on the Qantas Vegemite News Hour,  he vigorously disputed the charges leveled against him and the rest of wallaby-kind:

“These knockers have me flat out ropeable! It’s London to a brick that my shonky ex-sheila and her stickybeak sister have gone troppo in some tall poppies and are full whacka — tits and all. Besides, even if I was full as a goog in a field somewhere, I doubt I’d be turning circles. Those Chinamen could hardly have built those railroads if they all had the wobbly boot on, right?”

Wacked out wallabies creating crop circles [Live News]

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Drug goats are the next big thing

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goat

Goats are all the rage these days. Not only are we finally discovering that goats are healthy and delicious, but now it appears they might also save your life.

Earlier this week, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new anti-clotting drug (ATryn) made from goats that “secrete a special therapeutic protein” into their milk. The drug won’t be on the shelf anytime soon because have you ever seen a bunch of secreting goats on a drug store shelf? Sure, it’s hilarious, but it’s also dangerous. Someone could slip and fall.

Anyway, ATryn could be important because it could lead to even awesomer animal drugs:

“It’s really a milestone event,” said Eric Overstrom, chairman of biology and biotechnology at Worcester Polytechnic Institute, who collaborated with GTC on some of its early research using goats. “This adds to the toolbox for the pharmaceutical industry.”

Though ATryn is likely to have limited marketing potential because it would serve a relatively small pool of patients, the drug’s approval could clear the way to produce many more drugs with genetically modified animals, an approach nicknamed “pharming.”

Of course the milestone wasn’t cheered by everyone. The head of the nonprofit Center for Food Safety — which is apparently a thing — says when it comes to drug animals, oooogedy boooooogedy whaaaaahaaaaaaa beeeafrraaaaaaaaiiiiiiddd!!!!

“The creation of GE animals is a very slippery slope,” Jaydee Hanson, the center’s policy analyst on cloning and genetics, said in a statement. “All it takes is one mating between an escaped specimen and a natural animal to set off a chain of events that could lead to contamination or extinction.”

OK, I guess he has a point. On CSI: Miami this week they had a whole show about something called a “drug mule,” which is apparently a mule that looks like a Venezuelan teenager and has heroin up its ass. Too many of those and we’re all dead.

Fresh from the farm, a biotech ‘milestone’ [Boston.com]

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Who swallowed the orange?

Trust me, I feel better than I look.

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The bees are all coked out

Pax Arcana

Most scientists pursue their careers not for fortune or recognition, but for the ability to totally mess with the animal kingdom for shits and giggles.

crazy-beeFor example, yesterday’s New York Times featured a story about a bunch of scientists with nothing better to do than get a bunch of bees all bazooted on Bolivian marching powder. The alleged purpose of the exercise was to study the biochemistry of addiction, but really they just wanted to see a bunch of coked up bees jiggle their thoraxes double-time:

The researchers looked at honeybees whose job is finding food — flying to flowers, discovering nectar, and if their discovery is important enough, doing a waggle dance on a special “dance floor” to help hive mates learn the location.

“Many times they don’t dance,” Professor Robinson said. “They only dance if the food is of sufficient quality and if they assess the colony needs the food.”

On cocaine the bees “danced more frequently and more vigorously for the same quality food,” Dr. Barron said. “They were about twice as likely to dance” as undrugged bees, and they circled “about 25 percent faster.”

The researchers say the bees performed poorly on bee performance tests after the drug was withdrawn, often having difficulty associating an odor with a sugary syrup.

Reached for comment, a bee said “Well no fucking shit dickhead now give it back to us or I’ll sting your cockhole hey do you know where I can find waffles at this time of night?”

Food Dance Gets New Life When Bees Get Cocaine [NYT]

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The mummies were high

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You guys remember that time we were all stoned to high heaven and we came up with that awesome idea that when one of us dies the others should pull his brains and organs out and put them in a jar and then wrap the body up in linens and canvas and amulets?

THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

But it turns out, we weren’t the first to get high and talk about mummifying ourselves. According to this article in National Geographic, the pre-Inca Tiwanaku were way ahead of us. In fact, these mummies were high as shit:

The researchers discovered a compound called harmine in hairs from an adult male and a one-year-old baby, who both date to sometime between A.D. 800 and 1200. Harmine can help humans absorb hallucinogens and may be a powerful antidepressant.

“These individuals probably ingested harmine in therapeutic or medicinal practices, some maybe related to pregnancy and childbirth,” said study co-author Juan Pablo Ogalde, a chemical archaeologist at the University of Tarapacá in Arica, Chile.

The find was especially interesting for geneologists, because the mummy in question was clearly an ancestor of Zamfir, master of the pan flute:

X-rays showed that the adult male—who was buried with items of social prestige such as panpipes, a four-pointed hat, and a snuffing tray—had damage near the nose, perhaps from sniffing.

As for the baby, Ogalde speculated that the mother had consumed the drug and passed it on to her offspring during pregnancy or breast-feeding.

“The fact this mind-altering substance was found even with a one-year-old shows how much a part of their life it was,” said archaeologist Alexei Vranich of the University of California, Los Angeles, who did not participate in the study.

By the way, you guys, this totally reinforces my theory that you could totally make a sweet ass bong out of a pre-Inca mummy skull. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHH!!!!

I’m too old for this, aren’t I?

Drugs Found in Hair of Ancient Andean Mummies [National Geographic]
Ancient mummy hair suggests drug use [Boing Boing]

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Now that’s how you keep kids off steroids, people

Pax Arcana

You know that anti-steroids commercial? The one with the discus thrower statue guy crumbling? That one?

Well, that commercial sucks.

Not because it sends the wrong message, but because it gives kids the idea that they will reach statuesque Olympian heights before they succumb. And when they do fall apart, they will do so metaphorically — and legs first.

Wired has a better suggestion. Why not show them these seriously fucked up pictures of one man’s struggle against the worst chest acne you will ever see in your entire life.

The photos are of a 21-year-old amateur German bodybuilder whose chest exploded with acne after cycling anabolic steroids to get his pump on. The clinical snapshots are enough to make me want to crawl into my coffee mug (which says “World’s #1 Blogger”) to escape the searing eye pain.

Doctors ordered the patient to quit steroids and start taking antibiotics. Two months later, the acne was gone. So was the muscle. Only gruesome scarring remained — and as his doctors wrote last week in the Lancet, that “is likely to remain with the young man for the rest of his life.”

Here’s the first picture. The full set — including much graphic nastiness — is after the jump.

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