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Pax Arcana

Apologies for the scarcity of content on the site this morning. Pax Manor is quite busy at the holidays, and Santa’s going to have my nuts in a sling if I don’t finish these…

Oops. I’ve said too much.

Anyway, I did have time to catch the big NFC showdown last night, in which the New York Giants (official American tackle football team of Pax Arcana and defending NFL champions) defeated the Carolina Panthers. The win secured home field advantage for the Giants and gave this guy (two thumbs, pointing at self) the vapors at the return of my main man, Brandon Jacobs:

jacobs
Hit you with a thickness

Jacobs scored the winning touchdown in overtime after the Giants staged a nerve-wracking fourth quarter comeback, needing a touchdown and a two-point conversion late in the game to tie it up.

Game note: If  Jacobs and the Panthers’ D’Angelo Williams got gay married, the two of them would have been the co-guardians of seven touchdowns last night (Jacobs 3, Williams 4). And the paparazzi would call them D’Brangelo.

Jacobs and Derrick Ward — the Earth and Wind of the Earth, Wind, and Fire triumvirate — will get the lion’s share of the credit for last night’s victory. But I was most encouraged by something else — the return of the Bossman, Kevin Boss. The Giants’ tight end returned to his late 2007 form last night, scoring one touchdown and snagging multiple third-down short passes. At this point I think Tom Coughlin buried him on purpose during the regular season.


boss
Sadly, this is as high as Kevin Boss can jump

In other hilarious NFC news, the Eagles and Cowboys both lost this week in embarrassing fashion, proving that both teams — and their fans — are booger-eating half-wits.

Meanwhile, the Hartford New England Patriots absolutely annihilated the craptastic Arizona Cardinals at home yesterday. Many in the media suspect that Arizona simply laid down their arms for the Pats, since their playoff position would not change win or lose. But a drubbing is a drubbing, and there’s no way they meant to take it to the chin like this.

jordanmoss
They rub their butts together for warmth

The best part of the game was watching Bill Belichick wince after Larry Fitzgerald’s touchdown made the score 47-7. Somewhere, Gregg Easterbrook grew a new pock mark.

Here’s hoping for a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl…

Giants Claim High Ground in N.F.C. [NYT]
Plowing ahead [Globe]

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We have a new suspect (Who Shot Plaxico?)

Pax Arcana

plax_jr1It’s been four days since Plaxico Burress was shot in the thigh, and we still don’t know who the real shooter is. The media and several eyewitnesses still insist it was Burress himself who pulled the trigger, but it is becoming increasing apparent that the “official” story is more full of holes than the voodoo doll I made of Father Scott after his weak-ass fantasy football team beat mine a few weeks ago.

First, we identified five possible culprits who had the motive and opportunity to commit thighicide against Plaxico. Then we investigated the telling silence from casual dining chain Applebee’s — where Plaxico told doctors he suffered the injury.

Now, thanks to Plaxico’s lawyer, we have another clue:

Defense lawyer Benjamin Brafman argued for no bail, saying: “He has 35 million reasons to come back to court” — referring to Burress’ $35 million contract with the Giants.

Every good journalist knows that when confronted with a story of seemingly impenetrable complexity, the best way to find the truth is to follow the money.

Consider the following:

1. The Giants, who are tired of being upstaged by Plaxico’s many, many charitable deeds, are on the hook for $35 million if Plaxico plays out the rest of his contract.

2. Plaxico’s current team, the New York Giants, is owned by the Mara family.

3. Plaxico’s former team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, is owned by the Rooney family.

4. Actress Kate Mara is descended from the Mara family on her father’s side and the Rooney family on her mother’s side.

5. Kate Mara’s most well-known movie is the 2007 thriller “Shooter.”

kate_mara

I think you see where I’m going with this. Unless I see proof that Kate Mara was not, in fact, in shooting range of Plaxico’s thigh on Friday night, I consider this investigation open.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I concocted a ridiculous theory just to have an excuse to post a picture of Kate Mara in her bra. I say you are awfully touchy about this, my friend. Sounds like someone might be getting closer to the truth, huh? You’re not the only one who can play these mind games, pal.

Giants WR Burress charged on 2 felony weapon counts, released [ESPN]

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Who shot Plaxico?

Pax Arcana

plax_jrGiants wide receiver Plaxico Burress will turn himself into New York City police today on felony gun charges. The arrest comes just days after Burress was shot in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, where he operates a charity that rescues rare bottles of champagne from high shelves.

Several media reports indicate Burress’ wound was self-inflicted — meaning he accidentally shot himself while messing around with his piece.

If you believe that, I suggest you have not been watching enough C.S.I. Miami.

It is clear to me that Plaxico is the victim of a conspiracy to tarnish his sparkling reputation. After all, the man is a committed teammate, husband, and humanitarian who has always prioritized others over himself. Like that time he caught the game-winner in the Super Bowl.

That. Was. Awesome. (For me).

So the question remains — who shot Plaxico?

Clearly it was the work of a criminal genius, who was not only able to pop a cap in Plaxico’s leg meat, but was also able to hoodwink the police and press into believing the injury was caused by Plaxico’s own hand. This kind of deviousness is simply beyond the reach of normal criminals.

Here are the five prime suspects:

1. Ellis Hobbs

hobbs

Probably the most obvious suspect, it was Hobbs who was left alone to cover Burress on the final Giants drive of the Super Bowl last February. With no safety to help him out, Hobbs fell for the inside move, then watched helplessly as Burress floated into space and football immortality. I know a lot of NFL cornerbacks, and the one thing they all agree makes them feel better after being burned on a big play is shooting the wide receiver in a nightclub. It’s true — you can look it up.

2. PETA

peta

I have it on good authority that the day after Plaxico was shot, a soft manilla envelope arrived at the NYPD headquarters. The contents of the envelope included a number of mimeographed images of monkeys being tortured in laboratories and chinchillas kept in cages and summarily bludgeoned and skinned. Plaxico was not named in any of the loosely packed papers, but it’s safe to say PETA people are fucking loons who will stop at nothing to implicate anyone and everyone in the GREATEST MASS MURDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD AND THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION STILL DOES NOTHING WHAT ABOUT THE SOULS OF ANIMALS PETS ARE PEOPLE TOOOOOOOOO.

3. Pocket Gnomes

gnome_gun

While everyone knows that pocket gnomes are both temperamental and cunning, very few know that they are huge soccer fans who have elected Landon Donovan as their spiritual leader. Nothing cuts to the core of the pocket gnome community like the disrespect most Americans show the beautiful game, so it would not be surprising if one of them took it upon himself to maim one of the NFL’s brightest stars.

4. John McCain

john_mccain

When it became clear a few days before the election that McCain would not be our next president, I think many of us figured he would either amble back to the comfort of his Senate seat or haul off on a multi-state shooting spree. Burress was an Obama supporter, and he and McCain both like to frequent NYC’s dopest hip-hop spots, so it’s pretty clear there was both motive and opportunity.

5. Tom Coughlin

coughlin

Like it wasn’t the first thing that crossed your mind, too.

Burress, facing gun charge, in good spirits, teammate says [Newsday]

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Football coach you never knew existed retires

Pax Arcana

lucasMIT has announced that head football coach Dwight Smith has will retire from his position. In other news, did you guys know MIT had a football team?

Actually, that’s a little mean considering Smith was the 1999 New England Football Conference Coach of the Year. In other news, did you guys know there was a New England Football Conference?

The cool part is that Smith is going out on top. Sure, he was also named coach of the year in 1983 after leading his team to a sparkling 5-4 record. But this year MIT really vaulted to the top:

Smith, who will remain at MIT as a full-time professor in physical education, enjoyed a tremendous season in 2008 as the Engineers shattered a bevy of team records. MIT set single-season records for points, total offense, rushing yards, touchdowns and first downs while junior DeRon Brown closed out the season as the NCAA Division III leading rusher.

In other news, did you know there was a DeRon Brown?

MIT football coach Dwight Smith retires [MIT]

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Friday Random 10: Rhodes Scholar Edition

Pax Arcana

On the hierarchy of honors of academic distinction, the Rhodes Scholarship falls just below entry into the Grand Council of Great and Serious Men of Science — an honor I have received twice, in fact, thanks to my unjust temporary expulsion for destroying half the robots at MIT.

I was provoked.

Anyway, the Rhodes Scholarship is not something given to anyone. In fact, just qualifying for consideration is an achievement of almost mind-boggling difficulty.

And while this year’s crop of contenders includes the usual uncoordinated geeks and spastic android-coddling shut-ins, we were surprised to learn that a Florida State University football player was among those under consideration.

Meet Myron Rolle, one of the top college safeties in the country and Rhodes Scholar finalist:

myron_rolle

Rolle graduated from Florida State, after only 2 and a half years, with a 3.75 GPA in pre-med. If selected for the Rhodes Scholarship, he plans to study the anthropology of medicine in third-world countries. Also, he has to miss an upcoming game against Maryland to interview. Also, he may have to choose between the Rhodes Scholarship and the NFL.

In short, he is much awesomer than you. And younger. And better.

The songs:

I Summon You — Spoon
Cupid’s Trick — Elliott Smith
Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time — Jarvis Cocker
Let it Loose — The Rolling Stones
The First Incident — Frightened Rabbit
Marla — Grizzly Bear
Among the Pines — A.A. Bondy
The Four of Us Are Dying — Nine Inch Nails
All Our Weekends — The French Kicks
When You Wake Up Feeling Old — Wilco

Bonus Video:

Got to Give it Up — Marvin Gaye (Live in Montreaux, 1980)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

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Ugh

Pax Arcana

Now that really sucked. Not only did the Dodgers and Red Sox lose last night, but the previously undefeated Giants went down to the previously 1-3 Cleveland Browns.

Here is my complete chronological recap of Monday Night Football:

[/throws three picks, including one from inside the Browns 10 yard line that is returned for the game-sealing TD]

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Kevin O’Connell probably gets tons of women

Pax Arcana

This Boston Globe apology is exactly the kind of thing the sports blog world thrives on. It’s got mystery, intrigue, and a hilarious pay-off culminating in a fantastic dick joke starring Patriots back-up quarterback Kevin O’Connell.

Here’s the story:

On Sunday, the Globe published a photo of O’Connell taken during a practice session. The Globe’s editorial staff apparently didn’t notice that the writing on O’Connell’s wrist band is hardly the stuff the paper’s octogenarian readership is prepared to tolerate. So they issued an apology, which read as follows:

Editor’s note: A photo on Page C6 in Sunday’s Sports section showed Patriots rookie quarterback Kevin O’Connell wearing a wristband with inappropriate language written on it. The photo did not meet the Globe’s journalistic standards and should not have been published.

Deadspin got ahold of the photo in question, which is reproduced below:

If you can’t read it, the wristband says “MY DICK IS TINY TOO!”

I’m assuming this was some kind of prank on the rookie quarterback, and not the most collosal overshare since Jimmy Carter talked to Playboy in 1976.

But if this article in the Times (UK) is correct, Kevin O’Connell may just be the most desirable male in entire universe. The article itself is a reflection on a Jezebel post (and long, long comment stream) in which women recount the worst things men can say to them. The difficulty of being a man in search of some boom-boom time, according to the Times, is that you must be at the same time successful and self-deprecating:

The key to success, for men, is a certain type of wit: self-deprecation. Gil Greengross, the anthropologist behind the research, was quoted in The Observer, explaining: “The frequent use of self-deprecating humour in sexual context – with potential mates, established mates or sexual rivals – was astonishing … people who used this humour were considered to be more desirable as mates.”

So far, so encouraging, you might think. There’s hope for us all. But Greengross ruined it all by adding the following caveat: “If you are a low-status individual, using self-deprecating humour can be disastrous to you. Think about the secondary school child whom nobody liked, who makes fun of his shortcomings in sports. His peers mocked him and he was considered more pathetic than he was previously.”

In other words, to impress, men need to be hugely successful, but pretend that they are not.

In this way, Kevin O’Connell — highly-touted NFL quarterback with self-deprecating jokes affixed to his uniform — may just be the most desirable male in New England since that last guy… you know that guy with the goats and the naked girlfriend and all the rings… you know, that guy.

The Bigger The Hands, The Larger The … Wristband [Deadspin]
For the record [Boston Globe]
Women have so many don’ts. What’s a guy to do? [Times UK]


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