Tag Archives: Giants

Friday Random 10: Giants Stadium Edition

These should be good times for Giants fans like myself. The squad is 3-0 (thanks to a pretty weak schedule, but still) and in good shape to extend that streak agains the Chiefs this weekend (yay schedule!).

eli
“YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

Unfortunately for the 17 of us Giants fans in the Boston area, we’ve only been able to catch glimpses of the squad thus far. In fact the only Giants game that’s been on regular TV (no, I’m not buying some dumbass package from FiOS) around here was the Monday night win against Dallas (suck it, Jerry Jones!).

Now, I know what you’re thinking (stop using parentheses — they’re a crutch for lazy writers). So, OK, fine.

Anyway, for the past few years the Giants were on TV all the time. Why the change? Well, to be frank, it’s because the networks have stopped automatically elevating the Patriots to national telecasts. Every year the networks pick the top two or three teams before the season and foist them into the prime nighttime slots. In 2007, the Pats seemingly played exclusively on Sunday and Monday nights. This year the Pats have been relegated mostly to Sunday afternoons, which means the TV stations show them instead of my G-men in the event of overlap.

Things could be worse (I could go back to using parentheses every sentence). I do like watching the Pats, and wish them success this season. In fact, I wouldn’t even mind if they went the entire season without a(nother) loss, destroying the competition with an unheard-of combination of offensive wizardry and defensive master planning. As long as they lost the Super Bowl. To the Giants. Again.

The songs:

Try a Little Tenderness — Otis Redding
99 Problems — Jay-Z and Danger Mouse
You Still Believe in Me — The Beach Boys
Head Rolls Off — Frightened Rabbit
New York — Sex Pistols
Pistol Dreams — The Tallest Man on Earth
Is This Love? — The Fireman
The Debtor — Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson
Stars of Leo — M. Ward
Psycho Killer — Talking Heads

Bonus video:

Wrecking Ball — Bruce Springsteen (Live at Giants Stadium)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

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Friday Random 10: Beast Mode Edition

Pax Arcana

With all appropriate deference to Marshawn Lynch — originator of the concept and Father Scott man-crush — and the lads over at PIAB, I can think of no better phrase to sum up my hopes for the Giants this weekend than the following:

BEAST MODE

71465375AB004_Houston_TexanMore to the point, this game (and every game the Giants play from this point until he retires or explodes) depends on Brandon Jacobs turning on BEAST MODE and trampling the defense like a combination of Godzilla and Iron Man.

Much was made of the Eagles’ triumph over the defending Super Bowl champs last month, but let’s all remember that the birds took control of that game only after Jacobs left with a knee injury in the third quarter (he was on pace for 104 yards at the time).

It’s also worth remembering that while the Eagles have played much better of late than early in the year, they spent most of that time beating up on depleted or downright awful teams. The victory over the Giants was substantial, but then they beat a terrible Cleveland team, lost to a terrible Washington team, annihilated a talented but utterly incompetent Dallas team, and barely squeaked by the Vikings — possibly the worst-coached, worst-quarterbacked, worst special teams team in the playoffs — in the first round. I’m not saying they’re not good. I’m saying they haven’t proved anything yet.

That said, every Giants fan is nervous about this game. The Giants and Eagles always play down to the wire, even when one is clearly the better team. It’s been like this since Buddy Ryan was on the Eagles sideline and Ray Handley coached the Giants (cold shiver).

If you need me on Sunday, I’ll be clutching my Ron Dayne jersey and possibly launching half-empty beers around my apartment.

The songs:

Don’t Get It — Lil Wayne
Eli, the Barrow Boy — The Decemberists
La Denegracion — The Bowerbirds
Conquest — The White Stripes
Jesus Don’t Want Me For a Sunbeam — Nirvana
Roll the Credits — Peter, Bjorn and John
Guest Room — The National
Thorn in my Pride — The Black Crowes
As Tears Go By — The Rolling Stones
Someone’s in the Wolf — Queens of the Stone Age

Bonus audio track:

Been a Drill — The Heligoats

Bonus video:

Pop Lie — Okkervil River (Live on Letterman)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

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Return to form

Pax Arcana

Apologies for the scarcity of content on the site this morning. Pax Manor is quite busy at the holidays, and Santa’s going to have my nuts in a sling if I don’t finish these…

Oops. I’ve said too much.

Anyway, I did have time to catch the big NFC showdown last night, in which the New York Giants (official American tackle football team of Pax Arcana and defending NFL champions) defeated the Carolina Panthers. The win secured home field advantage for the Giants and gave this guy (two thumbs, pointing at self) the vapors at the return of my main man, Brandon Jacobs:

jacobs
Hit you with a thickness

Jacobs scored the winning touchdown in overtime after the Giants staged a nerve-wracking fourth quarter comeback, needing a touchdown and a two-point conversion late in the game to tie it up.

Game note: If  Jacobs and the Panthers’ D’Angelo Williams got gay married, the two of them would have been the co-guardians of seven touchdowns last night (Jacobs 3, Williams 4). And the paparazzi would call them D’Brangelo.

Jacobs and Derrick Ward — the Earth and Wind of the Earth, Wind, and Fire triumvirate — will get the lion’s share of the credit for last night’s victory. But I was most encouraged by something else — the return of the Bossman, Kevin Boss. The Giants’ tight end returned to his late 2007 form last night, scoring one touchdown and snagging multiple third-down short passes. At this point I think Tom Coughlin buried him on purpose during the regular season.


boss
Sadly, this is as high as Kevin Boss can jump

In other hilarious NFC news, the Eagles and Cowboys both lost this week in embarrassing fashion, proving that both teams — and their fans — are booger-eating half-wits.

Meanwhile, the Hartford New England Patriots absolutely annihilated the craptastic Arizona Cardinals at home yesterday. Many in the media suspect that Arizona simply laid down their arms for the Pats, since their playoff position would not change win or lose. But a drubbing is a drubbing, and there’s no way they meant to take it to the chin like this.

jordanmoss
They rub their butts together for warmth

The best part of the game was watching Bill Belichick wince after Larry Fitzgerald’s touchdown made the score 47-7. Somewhere, Gregg Easterbrook grew a new pock mark.

Here’s hoping for a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl…

Giants Claim High Ground in N.F.C. [NYT]
Plowing ahead [Globe]

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WHAT IS APPLEBEE’S HIDING? (Who Shot Plaxico?)

plax_applebees

Pax Arcana

The conspiracy to assassinate Plaxico Burress’s thigh is beginning to unravel. Even though most of the media has already convicted Burress of plugging his own damn self (in what some are derisively calling a “Plaxident“), the New York Post finally got around to doing some investigating.

What they find is so shocking and profound that it will blow your mind and completely reorient your sense of right and wrong and left and right.

While the “official” police report and several eyewitness accounts say Plaxico shot himself while fumbling around in his waistband at a nightclub, Plaxico apparently checked himself into a New York hospital under the name “Harris Smith” and told doctors he’d been shot at an Applebee’s.

This raises two serious questions:

1. Who was Burress so frightened of that he tried to hide his real identity from hospital workers? Could one of the doctors be involved? Do the pocket gnomes have cousins who inhabit those backless gowns they give out at hospitals?

2. WHAT IS APPLEBEE’S HIDING? Deciding to do a little investigative journalism myself, I went to the Applebee’s Web site to see what they have to say for themselves. You would think that being implicated as the global center of wide receiver-based gunshot violence would prompt a statement from them, but the most recent news release on its site is just a milquetoast announcement of the new “2 for $20” deal at the chain — in which you and your date can both suffer explosive diahhrea for less than the cost of a movie.

Not since the Olive Garden hid its deliciousness from the residents of Sioux Falls has a major casual dining chain perpetrated such an insidious fraud on the American public.

PLAX TURNS HIMSELF IN [NY Post]

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Who shot Plaxico?

Pax Arcana

plax_jrGiants wide receiver Plaxico Burress will turn himself into New York City police today on felony gun charges. The arrest comes just days after Burress was shot in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, where he operates a charity that rescues rare bottles of champagne from high shelves.

Several media reports indicate Burress’ wound was self-inflicted — meaning he accidentally shot himself while messing around with his piece.

If you believe that, I suggest you have not been watching enough C.S.I. Miami.

It is clear to me that Plaxico is the victim of a conspiracy to tarnish his sparkling reputation. After all, the man is a committed teammate, husband, and humanitarian who has always prioritized others over himself. Like that time he caught the game-winner in the Super Bowl.

That. Was. Awesome. (For me).

So the question remains — who shot Plaxico?

Clearly it was the work of a criminal genius, who was not only able to pop a cap in Plaxico’s leg meat, but was also able to hoodwink the police and press into believing the injury was caused by Plaxico’s own hand. This kind of deviousness is simply beyond the reach of normal criminals.

Here are the five prime suspects:

1. Ellis Hobbs

hobbs

Probably the most obvious suspect, it was Hobbs who was left alone to cover Burress on the final Giants drive of the Super Bowl last February. With no safety to help him out, Hobbs fell for the inside move, then watched helplessly as Burress floated into space and football immortality. I know a lot of NFL cornerbacks, and the one thing they all agree makes them feel better after being burned on a big play is shooting the wide receiver in a nightclub. It’s true — you can look it up.

2. PETA

peta

I have it on good authority that the day after Plaxico was shot, a soft manilla envelope arrived at the NYPD headquarters. The contents of the envelope included a number of mimeographed images of monkeys being tortured in laboratories and chinchillas kept in cages and summarily bludgeoned and skinned. Plaxico was not named in any of the loosely packed papers, but it’s safe to say PETA people are fucking loons who will stop at nothing to implicate anyone and everyone in the GREATEST MASS MURDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD AND THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION STILL DOES NOTHING WHAT ABOUT THE SOULS OF ANIMALS PETS ARE PEOPLE TOOOOOOOOO.

3. Pocket Gnomes

gnome_gun

While everyone knows that pocket gnomes are both temperamental and cunning, very few know that they are huge soccer fans who have elected Landon Donovan as their spiritual leader. Nothing cuts to the core of the pocket gnome community like the disrespect most Americans show the beautiful game, so it would not be surprising if one of them took it upon himself to maim one of the NFL’s brightest stars.

4. John McCain

john_mccain

When it became clear a few days before the election that McCain would not be our next president, I think many of us figured he would either amble back to the comfort of his Senate seat or haul off on a multi-state shooting spree. Burress was an Obama supporter, and he and McCain both like to frequent NYC’s dopest hip-hop spots, so it’s pretty clear there was both motive and opportunity.

5. Tom Coughlin

coughlin

Like it wasn’t the first thing that crossed your mind, too.

Burress, facing gun charge, in good spirits, teammate says [Newsday]

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Ugh

Pax Arcana

Now that really sucked. Not only did the Dodgers and Red Sox lose last night, but the previously undefeated Giants went down to the previously 1-3 Cleveland Browns.

Here is my complete chronological recap of Monday Night Football:

[/throws three picks, including one from inside the Browns 10 yard line that is returned for the game-sealing TD]

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Oh dear god, here we go again

Pax Arcana

Ah, autumn. The leaves crunching underfoot. The blazing kaleidescope of color. The annual Pax Arcana Apple and Fondue Festival.

Honestly, is there a better time of year than…

Oh no. Not again.


Hi guys. Gregg Easterbrook here. Just, you know, wanted to say hello, and wish you all a happy football season. I’ll be holding down my corner of the Internet again at TMQ, but this year I promise not to bait you with ludicrous arguments about why Bill Belichick is worse than Nixon or purple is really blue or some other such nonsense
.

OK. Thanks for that, but I find that kind of hard to believe since you were such a royal pecksniff last season. You remember when your own ombudsperson called you out for being such a douche?


I do. That was worse than when science fiction movies include scenes of laser beams in space. You can’t see laser beams in space! There’s no dust particles for the light to bounce off !

Jesus Christ.


Wait. Don’t go yet. At least read my AFC preview article, in which I slam Brett Favre for pretending to be a team player while all the time ensuring that he is at the center of attention. Look, it’s right here…

Last season the Packers were 13-4, and they came within an overtime of going to the Super Bowl. How many Green Bay players from that team can you name, other than Favre? His constant media antics had the effect of denying recognition to his teammates. In June, Tom Pelissero of the Green Bay Press-Gazette reported, “There is a substantial faction of younger players who are eager to play with Aaron Rodgers. Favre is at least a decade older than all but six guys on the roster. He dressed in his own locker room. He had minimal social interaction with teammates. Rodgers is one of the guys, and plenty of them are pulling for him.” He dressed in his own locker room? In the past few seasons, Favre has been all about Favre, as if his teammates didn’t exist. A man who wanted to maximize his own celebrity and income, at the expense of his teammates, would behave in that manner. That’s what the Jets now have, and that’s why his trade value was lower than Taylor’s.

Hmmmm. Not bad. We could have used that perspective during ESPN’s ceaseless rush to chronicle every bowel movement and jock scratch Favre participated in during that month or so.

Maybe we were a bit hard on you last year, Gregg.

Wait. What’s this?


What’s what?

This. This right here. What’s this?


Oh, that’s nothing. You wouldn’t really be interested in that. Why don’t you close your browser now and…

Here’s a question: Would the Patriots’ players and coaches exchange their 2007 season with the 2007 season of the Giants? Of course, in public, to a man, they’d say, “Forget the records we set, we’d rather have won the Super Bowl.” But my guess is that they’d rather have their 2007 season, oh-so-incomplete as it was, than the Giants’ trophy. Twenty years from now, football purists will be hard-pressed to remember much about the 2007 Giants. The 2007 Patriots, on the other hand, will never be forgotten. The first 16-0 regular season; the highest-scoring team in football history; more touchdown passes than Buffalo, Miami, Minnesota and San Francisco combined; 39 seconds shy of perfection. In terms of memory power, New England’s accomplishments exceeded what the Giants did, even if Jersey/A got to stand in the confetti shower on the sliding tray in Arizona. All New England needed to do was stop a third-and-11 snap with 45 seconds showing, and the word “perfect” would have shimmered into view. The snap was not stopped, because nobody’s ever been 19-0 and most likely nobody ever will be. But to come so close — that will not be forgotten.

Are you fucking serious with this?


I’m so ashamed…

Have defenses begun to solve the shotgun spread? [TMQ]

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