The King is dead! Long live the King!

Father Scott

It’s Do What You Feel Like Friday here at Pax Arcana for two reasons:

1. We can’t think of our own ideas, so we just steal them from Lucy.

2. The thick-thighed Norwegian Pax is off today, winding his way down New England backroads toward Vermont. So unless he feels like popping in with a headline-only post from his iPhone, you won’t hear from Pax today beyond his previously recorded Friday Random 10, which should be up at some point.

Pax Arcana, pre-guillotine

So what does that mean for you, dear reader? It means Padre all day. No more posts about viking zombies marrying Liz Phair, or whatever it is Pax likes to write about.

So let’s look at this: the worst free-agent deals ever given in MLB according to SI’s Jon Heyman (hat tip: MLBTradeRumors).

The abbreviated version of his list: Mike Hampton, Carl Pavano, Albert Belle, Chan Ho Park, Jason Giambi, Kevin Brown, Darren Dreifort, Bobby Higginson, Barry Zito, Mo Vaughn, Julio Lugo, Russ Ortiz, Juan Pierre.

Two problems I have with the list: 1) it seems a little unfair to use guys who are still in the contracts they signed. Sure, it’s unlikely that Zito, Lugo, or Pierre turns things around (let’s ignore Giambi since he’s in his last year), but they could. 2) As much as I hate Lugo, how can we consider his deal so destructive? The Red Sox won the World Series in the first year after acquiring him. Believe me, I think he’s dreadful, and I hated the move from the beginning. But it seems like a sharp criticism: the deal didn’t preclude the Sox from getting the other guys they needed or developing young talent, and they won it all.

What about a guy like Ken Griffey, Jr., who sucked up Cincy’s payroll while being baseball’s version of Grant Hill? There are countless middle relievers, but what about Kyle Farnsworth, who couldn’t be worse and makes more than $5 mil. If we’re gonna put Carl Pavano at no. 2 (*cough* NY bias *cough*), where’s Matt Clement? Yes, we appreciate the half-year of domination. Enjoy your $36 million.

I’d say Kevin Millwood has been more useless compared to expectations for Texas than, say, Bobby Higginson was for Detroit. I’d keep an eye out for Gary Matthews, Jr., down the road too. Other current guys: Adrian Beltre (just for the frustration), Richie Sexson, Jose Vidro, Aaron Rowand, and Dave Roberts (we still love you, Dave).

And for the record, I think Zito could go down as the worst of them all. The thing with Hampton is he just couldn’t stay healthy and you can’t always predict that. Zito just sucks.

$19 mil a year to admire home run trots

Any other thoughts? Oh, and check out Cot’s Baseball Contracts if you need a primer on salaries.

The leaders of tomorrow are lazy and illiterate

Pax Arcana

Lucy the Blog is the Rob Deere or Dave Kingman of blogs — what it lacks in consistency it makes up for with the occasional majestic homer into the parking lot.

Today Lucy shows us why we still care with a thoughtful, hilarious look at the inner life of one of academia’s finest. Ever wondered what it’s like to teach at the university level in an era of ratings Web sites?

Here’s your chance.

Rate My Rate My Professor Ratings [Lucy the Blog]

The Lowell Sun will straight up murder Ricky Gervais

Pax Arcana

Just over a week ago, our friends at Lucy the Blog brought you this hilarious video of Ricky Gervais (creator of The Office, Extras, and probably some other things) clowning the Lowell Sun for its unique interpretation of the English language and general obliviousness.

Last week the Sun fired back in typically witty fashion:

They say working on a film location isn’t glamorous and judging from Ricky Gervais’ blog, they’re right.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. They do say some things, sometimes, don’t they? Wait. What?

Holding up a copy of The Sun from March 5, he says: “I don’t know what the readership is, but I imagine most people in Lowell read it.” He got that right.

Wisecracking with co-director Matt Robinson in a nondescript office, Gervais seems to relish seeing news of his first movie in print. We hope to keep him tickled for the next three months.

Whoa! Slow down there Mencken! We’re having trouble keeping up with your Ben Hecht-quality banter and rapid-fire repartee!

Pow pow pow! Gotcha.

Anyway, the snarky snark snarks (like Snorks, only snarkier) at Gawker detect a threatening tone in the Sun’s final paragraph, but I’m not so sure:

In another video, he attacks assistant Jake with a Nerf gun. These guys must be dying to start shooting. We know we are.

Did the editors at Lowell Sun just threaten to off Ricky Gervais for making fun of them? Or are their writing skills so bad that even a modest joke with a simple double-meaning becomes grotesquely deformed in the white-hot fire of their literary incompetence?

Either way, I can’t wait to see what the Sun comes up with next. Unless something interesting happens. Then I’ll go with that.

Gervais reads all about it [Lowell Sun]
Small Newspaper Puts TV Star On Notice [Gawker]
Sun Gets the Scope on Gervais Flick [Lucy the Blog]

Raquel Welch’s ass was out of this world

OK, Lucy the Blog, we’ll see your William Shatner interpretive music rap — and raise you one Raquel Welch dancing in space pants in front of giant ugly statues (which we brazenly stole from Boing Boing):

Man, where’s Astronaut Jones when you need him?

Front page foible gets editor fired

A copy desk editor at the Santa Barbara News-Press has been fired over an incident in which parody material that was part of a gag gift for a departing colleague found its way onto the Web site.

This marks the third time that Pax Arcana has heard of such a thing happening — including once at our former employer. That event, and a second occasion at the Lowell Sun, are chronicled in this post at Lucy the Blog. We’re sure it’s happened in a lot of places.

Here’s what goes on: Newspapers have a long tradition of creating mock front pages for departing reporters. Their reporter friends get together and craft humorous fake stories about the person (we once wrote about an environmental reporter turning into a bear and shitting in the woods, etc…) and then a designer lays out the front page to look like an actual front page. Then you pass it around at the nearest bar and laugh and giggle and pretend you’re happy even though you’re broke and smell like vending machine Doritos and will never afford a house.

Honestly, the front pages were the highlight of our time in newspapers. Not only were they typically funny reads, but they also served as a good reminder that some people do get out.

What seems to have happened in Santa Barbara is that the copy editing system is tied directly to the Web content management system in the usual way — stupidly. Most newspapers are loathe to hire people to help them figure out the Internets, so they simply have some convoluted system whereby text is automatically flowed onto the Web page when stories are filed without review from any sort of Web editor.

The smart way of doing it would be to hire a team of Web professionals who could add, subtract, and manipulate content to take advantage of the Web’s unique powers, but then the executive editor might have to trade in the $80,000 Mercedes for a $60,000 Mercedes and, be honest, isn’t that asking too much?

Gag Turns Into Firing Offense [Richard Prince]

Breaking: Mopey guy gets into pharmaceuticals, poetry — Is emo next?

Lucy the Blog has come through today with the greatest blog post of all time. In poetry, no less.

We still haven’t forgiven Lucy for the vicious anti-Scandinavian slurs of months past, but we’re on our way.

Do What You Feel Friday!: Scrape Away Your Dignity [Lucy the Blog]

There not smart at the Lowell Sun

The newly resurgent Lucy the Blog caught a boo-boo in The Lowell Sun that makes his record collection melt into hip, fun vinyl baskets for your dining room table.

Here’s the offending line:

HALLOWEEN COLORING CONTEST
HEAR ARE THE WINNERS!

Here’s Lucy’s measured reaction:

Nothing short of genital electrocution will suffice.

Pax Arcana has obtained exclusive video of Lucy’s reaction in German:

The Lowell Sun: So Dumb It Hurts [Lucy the Blog]

Who the F is Danny Gans?

The view from Pax Arcana’s ludicrously oversized suite at the Rio includes the Palms Hotel, a whole buttload of casino construction projects, and one giant billboard featuring a toothy buttplug named Danny Gans.

Who the F is Danny Gans?

We looked it up, using the World Wide Webs, and discovered that Danny Gans bills himself as an impressionist/comedian/singer of badly overwrought religious soft rock.

Who’s got a thumb, a billboard, and a face that’s bound to get Paxed in the fucking grill? This guy

And he calls himself the Las Vegas “Entertainer of the Year.” Which year is unspecified, but Pax Arcana believes it to be 2029, when the dead finally triumph over the living and Danny Gans is the last man on earth.

We would direct you to his Web site, where his special brand of hopelessly outdated “comedy” and bad impressions made us want to staple our feet to our faces, but it’s just too dangerous. We’ve lost too many men already.

Time to check in with the rest of the blog cartel.

Looks like Lucy the Blog is back on board after a month of moping around the Lowell penthouse for a few months. Rumor has it his right hand threatened to unionize if he didn’t cool it with the Cinemax, so Lucy came back with an uproariously self-pitying post about how Red Sox fans are retards. As if they didn’t know.

Perk is a Beast is back to his teasing ways, titillating our tits with the promise of another blockbuster “get” with some guy who plays on the Celtics who may or may not bear the mark of the beast.

We’re still stuck in convention hell with very little Internet access. We’re no fun right now, anyway.