We have a new suspect (Who Shot Plaxico?)

Pax Arcana

It’s been four days since Plaxico Burress was shot in the thigh, and we still don’t know who the real shooter is. The media and several eyewitnesses still insist it was Burress himself who pulled the trigger, but it is becoming increasing apparent that the “official” story is more full of holes than the voodoo doll I made of Father Scott after his weak-ass fantasy football team beat mine a few weeks ago.

First, we identified five possible culprits who had the motive and opportunity to commit thighicide against Plaxico. Then we investigated the telling silence from casual dining chain Applebee’s — where Plaxico told doctors he suffered the injury.

Now, thanks to Plaxico’s lawyer, we have another clue:

Defense lawyer Benjamin Brafman argued for no bail, saying: “He has 35 million reasons to come back to court” — referring to Burress’ $35 million contract with the Giants.

Every good journalist knows that when confronted with a story of seemingly impenetrable complexity, the best way to find the truth is to follow the money.

Consider the following:

1. The Giants, who are tired of being upstaged by Plaxico’s many, many charitable deeds, are on the hook for $35 million if Plaxico plays out the rest of his contract.

2. Plaxico’s current team, the New York Giants, is owned by the Mara family.

3. Plaxico’s former team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, is owned by the Rooney family.

4. Actress Kate Mara is descended from the Mara family on her father’s side and the Rooney family on her mother’s side.

5. Kate Mara’s most well-known movie is the 2007 thriller “Shooter.”

I think you see where I’m going with this. Unless I see proof that Kate Mara was not, in fact, in shooting range of Plaxico’s thigh on Friday night, I consider this investigation open.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I concocted a ridiculous theory just to have an excuse to post a picture of Kate Mara in her bra. I say you are awfully touchy about this, my friend. Sounds like someone might be getting closer to the truth, huh? You’re not the only one who can play these mind games, pal.

Giants WR Burress charged on 2 felony weapon counts, released [ESPN]

WHAT IS APPLEBEE’S HIDING? (Who Shot Plaxico?)

Pax Arcana

The conspiracy to assassinate Plaxico Burress’s thigh is beginning to unravel. Even though most of the media has already convicted Burress of plugging his own damn self (in what some are derisively calling a “Plaxident“), the New York Post finally got around to doing some investigating.

What they find is so shocking and profound that it will blow your mind and completely reorient your sense of right and wrong and left and right.

While the “official” police report and several eyewitness accounts say Plaxico shot himself while fumbling around in his waistband at a nightclub, Plaxico apparently checked himself into a New York hospital under the name “Harris Smith” and told doctors he’d been shot at an Applebee’s.

This raises two serious questions:

1. Who was Burress so frightened of that he tried to hide his real identity from hospital workers? Could one of the doctors be involved? Do the pocket gnomes have cousins who inhabit those backless gowns they give out at hospitals?

2. WHAT IS APPLEBEE’S HIDING? Deciding to do a little investigative journalism myself, I went to the Applebee’s Web site to see what they have to say for themselves. You would think that being implicated as the global center of wide receiver-based gunshot violence would prompt a statement from them, but the most recent news release on its site is just a milquetoast announcement of the new “2 for $20” deal at the chain — in which you and your date can both suffer explosive diahhrea for less than the cost of a movie.

Not since the Olive Garden hid its deliciousness from the residents of Sioux Falls has a major casual dining chain perpetrated such an insidious fraud on the American public.

PLAX TURNS HIMSELF IN [NY Post]

Who shot Plaxico?

Pax Arcana

Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress will turn himself into New York City police today on felony gun charges. The arrest comes just days after Burress was shot in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub, where he operates a charity that rescues rare bottles of champagne from high shelves.

Several media reports indicate Burress’ wound was self-inflicted — meaning he accidentally shot himself while messing around with his piece.

If you believe that, I suggest you have not been watching enough C.S.I. Miami.

It is clear to me that Plaxico is the victim of a conspiracy to tarnish his sparkling reputation. After all, the man is a committed teammate, husband, and humanitarian who has always prioritized others over himself. Like that time he caught the game-winner in the Super Bowl.

That. Was. Awesome. (For me).

So the question remains — who shot Plaxico?

Clearly it was the work of a criminal genius, who was not only able to pop a cap in Plaxico’s leg meat, but was also able to hoodwink the police and press into believing the injury was caused by Plaxico’s own hand. This kind of deviousness is simply beyond the reach of normal criminals.

Here are the five prime suspects:

1. Ellis Hobbs

Probably the most obvious suspect, it was Hobbs who was left alone to cover Burress on the final Giants drive of the Super Bowl last February. With no safety to help him out, Hobbs fell for the inside move, then watched helplessly as Burress floated into space and football immortality. I know a lot of NFL cornerbacks, and the one thing they all agree makes them feel better after being burned on a big play is shooting the wide receiver in a nightclub. It’s true — you can look it up.

2. PETA

I have it on good authority that the day after Plaxico was shot, a soft manilla envelope arrived at the NYPD headquarters. The contents of the envelope included a number of mimeographed images of monkeys being tortured in laboratories and chinchillas kept in cages and summarily bludgeoned and skinned. Plaxico was not named in any of the loosely packed papers, but it’s safe to say PETA people are fucking loons who will stop at nothing to implicate anyone and everyone in the GREATEST MASS MURDER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD AND THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION STILL DOES NOTHING WHAT ABOUT THE SOULS OF ANIMALS PETS ARE PEOPLE TOOOOOOOOO.

3. Pocket Gnomes

While everyone knows that pocket gnomes are both temperamental and cunning, very few know that they are huge soccer fans who have elected Landon Donovan as their spiritual leader. Nothing cuts to the core of the pocket gnome community like the disrespect most Americans show the beautiful game, so it would not be surprising if one of them took it upon himself to maim one of the NFL’s brightest stars.

4. John McCain

When it became clear a few days before the election that McCain would not be our next president, I think many of us figured he would either amble back to the comfort of his Senate seat or haul off on a multi-state shooting spree. Burress was an Obama supporter, and he and McCain both like to frequent NYC’s dopest hip-hop spots, so it’s pretty clear there was both motive and opportunity.

5. Tom Coughlin

Like it wasn’t the first thing that crossed your mind, too.

Burress, facing gun charge, in good spirits, teammate says [Newsday]