Tag Archives: sex

Someone’s been a bad girl

Pax Arcana

spankingThe foundation of a long and happy relationship is built from equal parts honesty and compassion.

Oh, and spanking.

Turns out those weirdos who lurk in chat rooms in dark corners of the Internet trading fantasies about Catholic school, Taiwanese prison, and the Mitt Romney presidential campaign may be on to something. According to the New Scientist, couples that flay together stay together:

SPANKING is stressful at first, but it could bring consenting couples closer together. That’s the implication of two studies of hormonal changes associated with sadomasochistic (S&M) activities including spanking, bondage and flogging.

Brad Sagarin at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb and colleagues measured levels of the stress hormone cortisol in 13 men and women at an S&M party in Arizona, before, during and after participating in activities. During S&M scenes, cortisol rose significantly in those receiving stimulation, but dropped back to normal within 40 minutes if the scene went well. There was no change in those inflicting the activity.

Basically that means that as long as you’re not, like, actually beating on each other, spanking and bondage and stuff can actually boost the bond between couples.

Of course there are always the haters that try to take a good, sexy science news story and tie it up with saddle leather and whip it into submission:

Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire in Hatfield, UK, adds that almost any shared activity is likely to promote interpersonal closeness. “It doesn’t have to be tying up your partner or placing clamps on their nipples, it could be something as simple as cooking a meal together or even doing the housework as a duo,” he says.

Frankly I don’t see why all of these activities can’t be combined into one. Oh yeah, you love the way I beat those eggs, don’t you girl? Yeah…. they’ve been naughty…. wait what are you doing with the vacuum cleaner? You’re gonna break it. No seriously, stop — you’re gonna…. Oh great. Nice job. Now how are we going to get all this parsley out of the carpet?

Spanking ‘brings couples together’ [New Scientist]

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One of your grandparents has HIV

old_couple

Pax Arcana

It’s been well-documented on this site that old people are hornier than a pod of narwhals (and twice as sexy).  Well, it turns out all that wrinkle-slapping is doing more than grossing the rest of us out — it’s giving them all AIDS.

Or at least that’s what I think the AFP is saying in this summary of a World Health Organization study on HIV:

According to authors of the study, in the United States, the proportion of people aged over 50 with HIV soared to 25 percent in 2006 from 20 percent in 2003.

I’m not an editor or anything [Ed. Note: Yes I am] but I read that sentence five times and I think it says that 25% of all people over 50 have HIV. I assume they mean that 25% of all HIV positive Americans are over the age of 50.

Either way, this is really going to ratchet up the tension in Father Scott’s book club.

HIV+ among over 50s ‘surprisingly high’: WHO [AFP]

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Old fish wuz bangin’

Pax Arcana

fishNew studies into old fossils have revealed that the physical act of sex — known in academic cirlces as “delivering the dissertation” — is at least 30 million years older than once believed (hat tip to Jaelynne).

Researchers came to the conclusion* after carbon-dating Larry King’s boyhood underpants. Whooooo check it out a Larry King is old joke those never get tired!!!

Anyway, scientists studying the 380 million-year-old armored placoderm fish, or Incisoscutum richiei, discovered two female fossils that were pregnant — in that they were carrying already-fertilized eggs inside their bodies. Scientists had previously believed that all eggs were fertilized outside the body at the time:

“Once we found embryos in this group, we knew they had internal fertilization. But how the hell are they doing it?**” said John Long, the head of sciences at the Museum Victoria in Melbourne who wrote a paper on the discovery that appeared in Thursday’s issue of the journal Nature.

The answer came when the scientists re-examined the pelvis of the male placoderm, armed with the new information about fertilization. After looking at specimens at the Natural History Museum in London and the Museum Victoria, they realized the pelvis had a fin not seen on the female fish, and surmised it was likely used to grip its mate during fertilization, much as sharks do.

I’ve often thought that only thing missing from the human sex life was an extra hand***. Anyway, continue, doctor:

“These fish have an extra large bone that attaches to the pelvic bone,” he said. “It had been overlooked and hadn’t been identified. So in a nutshell****, we have reinterpreted the structure of the pelvic bone in these placoderms to show they had a method for copulation.”

Zerina Johanson, a paleontologist at the Natural History Museum who also took part in the study along with the University of Western Australia’s Kate Trinajstic, said findings of internal fertilization showed that “sex started a lot sooner than we thought.”

*****.

Study of fossils shows prehistoric fish had sex [Yahoo!]

* That’s what she said
** That’s what she said
*** That’s what she said
**** That’s what she said
***** THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!

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Your daughter is not that slutty

Pax Arcana

sexy_scoutKids today are sex-crazed monsters that spend every minute out of their parents’ sight clutching at each other’s underpants like prisoners in the throes of a conjugal visit. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t watch local news or Dr. Phil, and should be prevented from interacting with children or voting.

About the only people left on earth who think our children aren’t having more sex than ever are pervy high school soccer coaches and the New York Times, which tries to shoehorn its agenda into the debate using facts and other subversive things:

The reality is that in many ways, today’s teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations.

Today, fewer than half of all high school students have had sex: 47.8 percent as of 2007, according to the National Youth Risk Behavior Survey, down from 54.1 percent in 1991.

A less recent report suggests that teenagers are also waiting longer to have sex than they did in the past. A 2002 report from the Department of Health and Human Services found that 30 percent of 15- to 17-year-old girls had experienced sex, down from 38 percent in 1995. During the same period, the percentage of sexually experienced boys in that age group dropped to 31 percent from 43 percent.

Look, it was always pretty clear that teen sex rates would drop as soon as I left high school — but this is ridiculous. None of these studies seems to address the real issue here — kids today don’t think it’s sex unless it gets posted on the Internet or someone gets pregnant. Anything up until that point is just considered kissing. Especially for that bitch Jaimye, who was giving out HJs in the gym locker room back in middle school. I hope that whore gets burned in a fire.

The Myth of Rampant Teenage Promiscuity [NYT]

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Old people banging, happy

Father Scott

LiveScience reports that in studies taken over the last thirty years, there has been a significant jump in the sexual activities of senior citizens. Gross.

Between the first survey [1971] and the last [2001], the frequency of sexual intercourse was found to have increased among all groups. Among married men, 68 percent said they were engaging in the practice in the latest poll, compared with 52 percent in 1971, while among married women the number had risen from 38 percent to 56 percent.


Bow-chicka-bow-wow

The beguiling and seductive Mrs. Pax Arcana answered the poll saying that her husband had “failed to achieve an erection since Ronald Reagan was a winsome young actor.”

A positive side to the story: seniors’ happiness is trending upwards as well.

[M]ore 21st-century women said they were highly satisfied with their sex; fewer said they had low satisfaction; more said they experienced an orgasm during sex; and fewer said they had never had an orgasm.

Regarding the degree to which the respondents said they felt “very happy” about their relationship, the three-decade trend also moved in a similarly positive direction for both genders: rising from 40 percent to 57 percent among men, and from 35 percent to 52 percent among women.

The researchers suggested that while sexual improvement drugs such as Viagra were part of the solution, it mostly comes down to changing attitudes about sex and how to deal with unhappy relationships or marriages (leave them). I think general health is probably part of the equation too — more medication keeping people alive and active for longer periods of their lives.

And of course, the medication is so expensive, they can’t afford to go on a cruise or play canasta, so they rub up against each other’s fake hips instead.


Don’t tempt me so, Betty

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Some teenagers are not getting laid

Pax Arcana

Reuters is reporting that teenagers that take those “abstinence pledges” are knocking slightly fewer boots than their non-pledgy cohorts.

A study by the Rand Corporation research institute found that 34 percent of youths who took such pledges as teens had had sexual intercourse within three years compared to 42 percent of similar teens who did not make virginity pledges.


“Dear God, please send me a wife. Like right now. I’m serious. Please? I’ll take anything. And I’ll stop touching myself for good this time. Honest.”

The team says abstinence pledges may work because the teenagers are essentially volunteering themselves for peer pressure, setting themselves up for a lifetime of self-loathing to go along with their blue balls:

“Making a pledge to remain a virgin until married may provide extra motivation to adolescents who want to delay becoming sexually active,” said Steven Martino, a psychologist at Rand who led the study.

“The act of pledging may create some social pressure or social support that helps them to follow through with their clearly stated public intention.”

I would like to propose an alternative hypothesis — with a firm hat tip to TBogg — that while some choose abstinence, others have it thrust upon them.

Also:

Also:

Virginity pledges help some delay sex – US study [Boston Globe]

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And so it begins

Pax Arcana

Like thousands of men my age, I renamed my fantasy football team Client 9 (nee the Jersey Turnpikes) about two minutes after the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal broke last week.

By next fall, of course, Client 9 jokes will have come and gone more often than a high-priced hooker from the Jersey shore. See what I mean?

For now, though, there is still sport to be made of the fallen crusader with the pricey doin’ it habit. Our favorite so far is this ad, found by The Scotch Blog, for the 21-year-old Portwood from The Balvenie. Rumor has it the ad was submitted — but refused — by a financial periodical of some sort.

client9_balvenie.jpg

Laugh now. Soon it will get annoying.

‘Allo Guv’nor [The Scotch Blog]

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