Tag Archives: Tampa Bay Rays

There’s a new beast in the East

Fallen Angel

To be clear, this is the American League East, not the AAAA East. It’s not Mark Teixeira. It’s not Mike Cameron. It’s not Derek Lowe. It’s not Ben Sheets. And it sure as hell ain’t CC and his burritos.

I present to you, MATT JOYCE~!

Joyce Flies!He can fly! (p.s. that was a Pedroia out)

Joyce Admires!He can admire his home runs like Manny!

He’s 24. He hit 12 homers and had an OPS of .831 in 92 games last season for Detroit. That extrapolates to 24+ homers in 500 at bats, folks.

And what did he cost? Edwin Jackson. The man with a blazing fastball but who can’t give five quality innings to save his life.

With right field now under lockdown, the Rays can concentrate on signing Milton Bradley or another model citizen to be regular DH. Toss in Mr. Clutch Gabe the Babe Gross and a better-be-re-signed Rocco Baldelli, and you have the ultimate platoon.

Red Sox, Yankees, Blue Jays, and Orioles. FEAR MATT JOYCE. The ultimate Winter Meetings prize.

On a much more somber note, this all but ensures the end of the Jonny Gomes Era in Tampa Bay. Let us have a moment of silence as we remember the good and great time of the Greatest Player Who Ever Lived.

Dirtdog

Defense

Stomp

Yoga

Ray Pool

Pyro!

Brawlfense

Cocoisabitch

He like burritos, too

Walk-off

Ax Man

Mmmmmmm...

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The Last Stand? (cont.)

Fallen Angel

But first, peep my horror movies below.

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The Last Stand?

Fallen Angel

The jersey is on. The Fosters is being cleared out. Will this be the end?

“Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”

– Animal House

“I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we’re gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we’re finished. We’re in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell… one inch at a time.”

– Any Given Sunday

“This is it! Don’t get scared now!”

– Home Alone

Game 5 live blog below…

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World Series Live Blog: Game 2

Pink-hatted Raysist Fallen Angel cleverly hijacked the comments section of our Big Bird funerary dirge post to grunt his way through an impromptu live blog of Game 1 of the World Series. I thought it was awesome. He wants to do it again. I invite Paxists from all over the globe — Padre, Perry, NotZucchini, Spackler, PIAB, et al. — to participate in this adventure and steal some of Fallen Angel’s righteous fury. Then steal his lunch money. I may be able to peel myself away from my professional obligations to do the same.

Here’s how it works:

1. You watch the ball game on television.

2. You set your favorite Web browser to Pax Arcana.

3. You click on the “Comments” link at the bottom of this post.

4. You comment throughout the game. Hit refresh on your browser to see what dumb-ass shit the others are posting.

It’s not like you have anything better going on, right?

– Pax Arcana

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Coming Tonight! World Series Live Blog at Pax Arcana

Pax Arcana

Bored with baseball? Yeah, me too. Plus both teams in this year’s World Series are asshole teams.

But there’s good news on the horizon. Tonight, instead of just sitting on your couch, desperately trying to scrape the sound of Tim McCarver from the insides of your ear canals, why not participate in a live blog of all the fast, furious, fake turf, fuckin’ catwalk World Series action?

Fallen Angel led the charge last night during game one, executing a perfect one-man play in the comments section of this post in which he recreated Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s 55 stages of grief when your team tanks in Game 1 of a big series. He ran the gamut from rage to fury to anger to vitriol to invective to indignance to bargaining to mania and back to rage.

Because he is evidently a self-loathing masochist (remember, FA is from Melrose, MA but inexplicably roots for the Rays), the evil one has volunteered to light the torch once more. Only this time, we’re opening the door to everyone. I look forward to a wholly unproductive and profanity-laced back and forth.

Now would be a good time to gather your Matt Garza insults.

Tune back in at 6 p.m. for more details.

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I would rather take a dump on my own face than see either of these teams win the World Series

Pax Arcana

OK people, let’s cut right to the chase.

The 2008 World Series features two of the most loathsome teams in the history of mankind. On one side there’s the Tampa Bay Rays, a make-believe team from a fabricated location with a lineup of cocky fratboy douchebags whose off-season activities consist mainly of date rape and Creatine.

Opposing them is the Philadelphia Phillies, the sole source of pride for a city full of degenerates who steal Salvation Army buckets and throw batteries at kids with Down’s Syndrome. Honestly, most Phillies fans would sooner eat poop out of a public toilet than perform any activity remotely resembling basic human decency.

While we’re at it, the aforementioned public toilet poop would undoubtedly taste better than a cheese steak from Pat’s or Geno’s. YEAH I SAID IT. THAT SHIT IS OVERRATED, FUCKWADS. GET OVER IT.


You said it, anteater.

And yet here we are. The World Series starts tomorrow night and one of these asshole teams is going to win.

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying that the Rays-Phillies series is good for baseball. For one thing, the ALCS energized the people of Tampa Bay and possibly salvaged an entire franchise. And the Phillies are the best hope for a long-suffering fanbase that has waited 25 years for a championship in any sport.

Here is my response: Fuck you.

Furthermore, I have devised the following foolproof plan for coping with this swirling liquid shit pile of a series.

Step 1 — I will boo every play.

OK, maybe not every play. Routine grounders in blowouts shall not draw my invective, but I promise you that every hit, every run scored, every RBI, every slick double play, and every homerun will be met by a barrage of baleful profanity from yours truly.

I don’t who does it or what was done, I hate it and it angers me.

Step 2 — I will bury my copy of “The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin” in the back yard for the duration of the series.

This one is specific to Philadelphia, a city so devoid of homegrown successes that it persists in claiming Benjamin Franklin as a favored son. He was from Boston, bitches. That’s why he was so much smarter than you.

Step 3 — I will officially proclaim some baby names off-limits.

The real and spectacular Mrs. Pax Arcana has not yet been blessed with a Viking in the oven, but like all couples our age we’ve had a few discussions about baby names. And like those other couples, we realize the hardest thing is to narrow down the ones we like. But now I have a better solution.

For example, she likes “Chase.” I have a friend named Chase, with whom I have had many iPhonesaber battles, so I was open to it until now. However, the presence of child molester Chase Utley in the World Series (note: not really a child molester… as far as we know) means the name is officially off-limits.

So are Ryan, Jimmy, Shane, Trever, Grant, Pedro, Dioner, Jayson, Rocco, The Corkscrew Plancha, and So.

The only possible exemption from this list is Bossman Junior, but not B.J. Only an idiot abbreviates an awesome name like Bossman Junior.

Step 4 — I will spend more time on the Internet.

This one is just more of a prediction than anything.


The Internet: Reminding you that there is more to life than baseball since 1994.

Step 5 — I will reassemble the letters of each team name into funny anagrams.

Tampa Bay Rays = Trampy sayaba

Philadelphia Phillies = Hip, hip ladies hell pail

Step 6 — I will set my Facebook status to “Pax is ignoring the World Series this year” AND WILL LEAVE IT AT THAT UNTIL AFTER IT IS OVER.

I think this one speaks for itself.

ADDED SPECIAL BONUS IMAGE OF NO ONE IN PARTICULAR:

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The most important players in the ALCS

Father Scott and Fallen Angel

Fallen Angel is a Rays fan.

Let me rephrase that.

Fallen Angel abandoned the Red Sox after getting two titles because he got sick of the fact that other people like them and that they win, and then he became a Rays fan.

In any case, we’ve been talking Sox/Rays all year, and ever since their series in September I’ve been telling him I’m looking forward to the ALCS. And now it’s here.

So to kill the last remaining minutes of your workweek, check out our list of the most important players from least to most of the ALCS. And by the way, I’m fully aware that this is a gimmick that Bill Simmons used. I stole it for precisely this reason: FA hates Simmons, and he thought this was a good idea for a blog post. So I tricked him.

Fuck you, you red-faced, hopped-up, overreacting bandwagon jumper.

The list begins after the jump, along with our predictions for the series at the end.

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