Today I poked my head out from under a pile of heavily-sedated plus-size models just to see what was going on in the outside world.
Did you know there’s a presidential election coming up? It’s true! One of the candidates is an old guy who calls himself “Maverick” even though he basically sold out to the same soul-sucking Christo-fascist oil company suck coven that brought us the last two rounds of epic fail. The other guy is half black, so you know that can’t possibly work out.
But really, who cares who is running for president when there are vice presidential candidates to obsess about? Like there’s this one guy who has tons of experience and brains but he’s always saying stupid things — you know, just like the rest of us. Moron!
The last thing we need is a vice presidential candidate who does things the rest of us do. What we need is a candidate who does things the rest of us think we do — like successfully raising a large family while holding down an important job. Or eating mooseburgers. While our kids are huffing paint thinner and failing spelling tests, and our husbands and wives would rather watch Two and Half Men than have sex with us, it really helps to relate to someone who lives her life the way we picture ourselves doing it in the great fiction movie in our minds.
That’s why the preferred vice presidential candidate of Pax Arcana is Nurglon.
As a mother of more than 5,000,000, Nurglon has the experience to get things done. She is a plain-spoken opponent of abortion and is decidedly not a Muslim (she worships Cthulhu). As a bonus, Nurglon is both folksy and white (with purple spots)!
So this November, cast your vote for Nurglon for vice president. You won’t regret it. Until you do.
NURGLON In 2008! [A.R. Yngve]