Pax Arcana
For decades, U.S. presidents have ridden in vehicles retrofitted with all sorts of safety devices to protect them from harm. Now that our president is a black man — and most Americans are frothing-at-the-mouth gun-clutching psychopath racists — the folks at General Motors decided to go above and beyond.
Take a look at Barack Obama’s new wheels:
Limo One is believed to weigh between seven and eight tons, and spy shots suggest it rides on a GM medium-duty truck chassis propelled by a diesel engine. The body is sheathed in military-grade armor as much as 8 inches thick on the doors (each of which weighs as much as the cabin door on a Boeing 747, Motor Authority says). The armor reportedly is a mix of dual-hardness steel, aluminum, titanium and ceramic. The windows are ballistic glass said to be 5 inches thick, and Dan Neil of the Los Angeles Times says there’s probably a woven Kevlar mat covering the floorboard to protect the car from blasts. The cabin is believed to feature a sealed air recirculation system to protect its occupants from chemical attacks.
The lesson seems to be that potential assassins have to get really close to the car before pulling the trigger. I mean, it’s not like the presidential fleet is outfitted with guns that can cut a building in half.
Oh wait. There is this:
I think I just swallowed my own tongue.
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