Friday Random 10: Hair-pulling edition

I was going to use this space to make some hay about New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert’s pageant of moloko and ultraviolence that was featured on Sportscenter last night. But I don’t have much to say beyond “SHIT!” and “YIKES!” and “OUCH!”

Turns out Lambert has been suspended indefinitely for her offenses, which — if you haven’t seen the video — include but are not limited to: punching, karate chopping, hair pulling, tripping, flailing, flaying, impalement, and the occasional forearm shiver. The thing is she was not penalized for any of these things during the game — though she did draw a yellow card for arguing.

All in all I say an indefinite suspension is a bit excessive. I say that because this chick scares the piss out of me, and I’m pretty sure she could kick my ass. Aside from that I’m all man, baby.

The songs:

Not Alone — Dub Trio
Different Names for the Same Thing — Death Cab for Cutie
No Karma — Jaydiohead
Dance Hall — Modest Mouse
Reoccurring Dreams — Husker Du
Werewolf — Cat Power
I’ll Decorate My Love — Jay Bennett
Too Drunk To Dream — Magnetic Fields
I Lost You — The Walkmen
In Cairo — Hot Hot Heat

Bonus Video:

January Wedding — The Avett Brothers (Because that show at the House of Blues was awesome)

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.

Lee Harvey Oswald’s picture is not a fake. (But is that the whole story?)

A Dartmouth computer scientist says an iconic photo of Lee Harvey Oswald — in which he clutches both a bolt-action rifle and a stack of Maoist newspapers — is authentic, and could not possibly have been faked with the technology of the 1960s. The photo has long been a lightning rod for conspiracy theorists, who dispute its authenticity:

Farid and his team have developed a number of digital forensic tools used to determine whether digital photos have been manipulated, and his research is often used by law enforcement officials and in legal proceedings. The tools can measure statistical inconsistencies in the underlying image pixels, improbable lighting and shadow, physically impossible perspective distortion, and other artifacts introduced by photo manipulators.

The scientist even went so far as to construct a 3D model of Oswald’s head in order to prove that the shadows depicted in the image could have been caused by a single light source. Farid’s findings — to be published in an upcoming issue of Perception — are intended to debunk a key argument of those who believe Oswald was set up by the government and its fancy photo-shop-o-trons.

Unfortunately Farid did not have access to the equipment we have at Pax HQ. We ran the photo through our home-built magnophoto scantronomic oscillating refibrillator and noticed a peculiar anomaly in the upper right-hand corner. Let’s take a closer look at the highlighted area:

Now let’s get even closer:

And finally we’ll jump to 10x zoom and enhance. I think you’ll be shocked at what we’ve uncovered:

You can expect my full report “Panda Fucking: The Unifying Conspiracy Theory?” in the next issue of Cat Fancy magazine.

Incriminating Photo of Lee Harvey Oswald Not Faked [LiveScience]

 

Our top food trends of 2010

The Epicurious blog yesterday asked its readers to help predict the top food trends of 2010. And because I’m nothing if not a tastemaker, I humbly submit the following four suggestions:

1. Old shit updated

This one’s easy. Every year, the fancy boys and girls of the glossy food establishment take some boring old thing your grandmama used to make, add guancale or shallot tarragon butter or some shit, then serve it back to you on a warmed-over platter. A few years ago there was a mac and cheese revival. Then it was pigs in a blanket. Next year it will be beef stroganoff with pork belly apple brandy gravy mole. And you’ll pay $38 for some egg noodles and chuck roast.

2. Science

The rise of molecular gastronomy went from kooky to awesome to tired to really tired in about one calendar year, but that won’t stop high-falutin’ restaurateurs from Bangor to Bakersfield from serving overturned pony snifters of pear vapor and carbonized tranches of distilled mango ether. Thanks for the $78! Enjoy the Burger King drive-thru on the way home!

3. Locavorism

In my liberal suburban enclave, we all agree that eating locally as much as possible equals responsible stewardship of the land and its inhabitants. In fact, I consider people who think otherwise to be subhumans who should be ground up, dried, and woven into reusable grocery bags. That’s why every restaurant I patronize during 2010 will make a grandiose effort to convince me that the bananas in my split were cultivated just a mile from where we sit. “Hell, these tablecloths were made by my grandmother, who rents an apartment out back!” the menu will say.

4. Hot pockets

Oh, I’m sorry. You were under the impression that the recession was over?

Food Trends For 2010 [Epicurious]

Wednesday Whaley Whimperfest: NBC and Hulu are stupid

Father Scott

You may have noticed there was no Tuesday Tubby Tearfest this week. Here’s why: I missed The Biggest Loser the previous week (Celts opening night y’all) and was like, “Oh, I’ll check it out online later.” NBC is a major network, works really hard on Hulu (they advertised on the Super Bowl!), so obviously this was a flawless plan.

Except Hulu and NBC.com don’t put the episodes up right away. “That’s fine,” I thought when I checked Wednesday. “There needs to be some sort of penalty for me missing the actual airing, and thus missing all the commercials, which is how they pay the big bucks to attract that ogre Jillian Michaels to the show.”

Then I checked Thursday. No dice. Nor all weekend.

So it gets to be this Tuesday, and I can’t catch up in time for the new one. THEY WAIT A WEEK BEFORE POSTING THE EPISODES.

I demand an explanation. How am I supposed to catch up, ever? By penalizing me for missing one show’s worth of commercials, they force me to never watch on time again, which means I always watch online, which means I only see one or two low-rent commercials, which I’m sure don’t pay the big bucks.

Plus, it loses momentum. Part of the joy of watching the show is talking with other people about it, or in my case, writing about how much these fatboys and gals cry.

I fear that I will never recover, fair reader (hi Jaelynne!).

Anyway, I think this is stupid. If I had DVR, I could easily do more damage by fast-forwarding through the commercials. For some reason DVR is an asset to networks, but online is a replacement. This is totally nonsensical, and sometimes I wonder if TV networks have any better idea of how to work with the Internet than newspapers did.

I hate both of you NBC and Hulu. Unless this is a one-time thing, in which case everything is fine and I’ll catch up soon.

AMOUNT OF CRYING IN THIS WEEK’S EPISODE

No idea, since I don’t have any momentum to go on. For me, the over/under is 0.5. You should take the over.

WHO’S GOING HOME

I don’t know who’s there LA LA LA

DELICIOUS TREAT TO EAT WHILE WATCHING THE SHOW

Since I can’t watch the show, does this mean I can’t eat the delicious treat? OH HELL NO. This week’s treat: chocolate chip pie from some place in Raynham that Jaelynne frequents, and then doesn’t finish and lets me devour during lunch. NICE.

The lions weren’t that hungry

The Tsavo lions are the most legendary man-eaters in history. According to the story, the pair was responsible for killing and consuming 135 railroad workers in a 9-month span in 1898. They even made a movie about it. I think it was called “Shit! Lions!”

Anyway, researchers now say the lions — which are on display at the Field Museum in Chicago — were likely responsible for far fewer deaths than believed:

But after analyzing fragments of the lions’ bones and fur, scientists at the University of California in Santa Cruz have determined that the true number of humans eaten by the lions was likely closer to 35.

By comparing isotopes in the lions’ samples with their normal prey of zebra, wildebeest and buffalo, with other lions, and with the remains of 19th century Kenyans, the scientists estimated that one of the lions ate 24 humans, while the other ate 11.

“The possible range is between 4 and 72 humans, but 35 is most likely,” said Justin Yeakel, one of the study’s authors.

According to scientists at the Field Museum, the findings confirm their skepticism with contemporary accounts of the lions’ savageness. They note that the lions are also far smaller than John H. Patterson — the British engineer who killed them and had them made into floor coverings — had boasted. They also note that the Field Museum is now more boring than ever. How much more boring? Exactly 100 corpses more boring.

Scientists restate Tsavo lions’ taste for human flesh [Chicago Tribune]

H1NDone

Well, that was a disappointment.

Not only was I forced to board a plane for my least-favorite place on earth last week, but nary a day and a half after landing was consumed by the onset of the flu. Alternating between freezing and sweating like Father Scott on the racquetball court, I spent an entire work week in Las Vegas tethered to a bed, eating room service soup (terrible) and watching daytime TV.

I watched an entire episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, people. That’s how bad it was.

I’m still not 100% sure it was the H1N1 virus that befell me, but the ER doctor/best man at the wedding I attended in Chicago said he was positive that was the case. So there you have it.

As you can see, I made a miraculous recovery — just in time to swoop in on an effervescent and charming lady I met up with in the Windy City.

Friday Random 10: You can’t overestimate Gerry Callahan

Father Scott

On my delicious nine-minute commute this morning, I got to hear the dulcet tones of Gerry Callahan say the following on EEI (paraphrased):

“You can’t overestimate the importance of the return of Brett Favre to Green Bay.”

Oh, Gerry, Gerry, Gerry. I’m afraid you don’t know me well. Watch how I overestimate this:

I say the return of Brett Favre to Lambeau Field is 12 times more significant than the invention of the cotton gin. Lewis and Clark trekking west? Bitches. Genocide in Africa? I wouldn’t bother myself with such trifles when I can spend my mental energy on imagining what the 650 lb. McCarthy couple thinks about some old guy throwing around a leather ball for three hours.

Am I being petty? Of course. But this is one annoying verbal tick that needs to go away. I don’t just mean in sports. News, politics, finance, whatever. Just say it’s interesting, or this means more to Wisconsinites than the local grocery stores’ buy 12 wheels of cheese get one half-off sale (OK, that’s also and overestimation.) You can always overestimate stuff and always sound stupid.

Like, for instance, you’re at a conference for work but have a tickle in your throat so you stay in your hotel room the whole time, but then stay up late tweeting about the World Series. In that case, you’re probably overestimating the effect of your sickness. Either that or you’re just a disgrace to your Viking ancestry.

UPDATE: Related: Via @Adam_Schefter on Twitter: True Factoid: What was “Minnesota Avenue” in Green Bay was officially renamed this week “Aaron Rodgers Drive.” That’s pretty awesome.

The songs:

I And Love And You, The Avett Bros.
Gimme a Sign, Ryan Adams
Pennyroyal Tea, Nirvana
Billie Jean, Michael Jackson
A Fond Farewell, Elliott Smith
Faithfull, Pearl Jam
Made You Look, Nas
Gone Gone — NYC, Conor Oberst
Sunlight, Harlem Shakes
Play Your Part (pt. 1), Girl Talk

Bonus video:

Tuesday Tubby Tearfest: In which I straight up don’t believe NBC

Father Scott

We all know that reality shows lie to our faces every episode. For instance, The Hills masquerades as non-fiction. Flavor of Love seems to suggest that Flavor Flav reads above a third-grade level. The Bachelor/Bachelorette series want you to think that every time a contestant is sent home, it was “the hardest decision [the main character] has ever made.”

For the most part we accept it, because it adds to the drama, or on the other hand makes whatever we’re being spoonfed more digestable.

The Biggest Loser isn’t so bad as far as this stuff goes. I mean, their product placements are now so direct that I almost think they’re wink-wink-nudge-nudge jokes from production assistants. (Note: Last week I was grocery shopping and intentionally didn’t buy Yoplait yogurt because I’m sick of Bob talking down to me about my snack choices. Take that Tats McGee.)

The contestants regularly talk about going home, refer to the show, and last week we even saw a producer step in front of the camera when Coach Mo took a tumble.

But here’s one major way NBC is lying to us: There is no way on God’s green Earth that Alexandra/Antoine “relationship” is not set up.

Alexandra left after like a week. Antoine goes home a few weeks later, and during his send-off it is revealed that they had a connection and now work out together and are dating. They even drop the L-bomb on camera.

Now hold up.

They met for a week. They were both morbidly obese. They were on the show for weight loss, and spent eight hours a day drenched in sweat. Romance is not even a C-story on this show, because America doesn’t want to watch unattractive people banging (they want to watch unattractive people become attractive, then start banging).

I went to NBC’s website for more details, and believe there are further lies. Antoine is listed as from North Carolina, while Alexandra is from Pennsylvania, which disputes Pax’s theory that they knew each other beforehand. Or does it? Alexandra claims to be working on her MBA…but is age 20. And where is she in college?

I call shenanigans NBC. Either Alexandra goes to Duke and is already nailing Antoine (who’s going to be an attractive dude if he slices off another 100 lbs.), or you guys pulled the two As together and said, “hey fatties, let’s ham it up for the camera, maybe you’ll get a spin-off show”.

Well fatties, you won’t, and stop lying to us.

And if you’re wondering why I’m talking about this now…Dina is boring and I have nothing to say about her.

OVER/UNDER ON CRYING

I’m going with 23.5 this week. The website promises a former contestant to come back, and that shit always rattles these people. It involved a record, so it’s probably whoever lost 100 lbs. the soonest, since Rudy is banging down that door. I hope the record is actually “most tree-like carrot sculpture” so Paul can make his return. Or maybe it’s “most not-over his ex-wife.”

WHO’S GOING HOME

Daniel. His production has dropped off, and I don’t think it’s a blip. He’s got emotional problems, but the sympathy can only go so far, and this cast’s sympathy is clearly all with Shay.

WHAT TO EAT

As you’re watching The Biggest Loser, you’re probably eating. They’re constantly tempting the contestants with delicious treats, and if you’ve got time to plop down for two hours on the couch, you’re probably not the kind of go-getter that’s at the gym at night.

So eat something delicious that those assholes can’t get away with.

Last week I went frozen pizza followed by a bunch of bite-sized candy. Tonight, I’ll probably eat before the show, but for during-show snack, I’m going with my mom’s homemade pumpkin whoopie pies, whose secret ingredient is sugar-infused sugar-butter sugar sugar sugar. It promises to be a delight, though type-2 diabetes probably won’t be.

Enjoy the show, Paxites.

Friday Filler: Who You Gonna Call?

I’m out for the afternoon, and next week I’ll be in Las Vegas then Chicago for nerdiness and debauchery, respectively. In the meantime, please to enjoy this chubby guy — who one YouTube commenter likens to a lesbian from the Middle Ages — rock out a full-on a capella version of the Ghostbusters theme song.

It’s like Ray Parker Jr. and Shelly Winters had a baby.

Friday Random 10: Whiplash Edition

What ever happened to whiplash? In my formative years of the 1980s and early 1990s, you couldn’t watch three consecutive episodes of any sitcom or TV drama without at least one character outfitted in one of those foam neck brace things. The cause of the whiplash was almost certainly a low-speed car accident, and the chances that the character was faking it were roughly 63% — especially if it was that dingbat Boss Hogg. Always pushing the legal envelope, that one!

Anyway, while whiplash the injury (really a catch-all phrase for neck injuries caused by abrupt forward-then-backward head snapping) is still a real thing, it sure seems like it’s dropped off the cultural map. Perhaps we just wore out the concept a few decades back, or maybe it’s because advances in auto safety have effectively reduced the real cases of the injury.

According to this article — 5 things never to tell your insurer — you should avoid saying the word “whiplash” after a car accident, even if your neck is in pain. That’s because the insurance industry associates the word “whiplash” with fraudulent claims, meaning your case could be delayed and unfairly scrutinized. I’m guessing the volume of people using whiplash claims to commit insurance fraud grew rapidly during the heyday of whiplash-centric TV, causing an insurance backlash which subsequently drove down the number of insurance claims. Fewer claims equals fewer people in foam neck braces. Or something. I don’t know. What am I, some kind of wizard or something?

The Songs:

Over The Hillsides — The Real Tuesday Weld
The Lon Gisland Sound — Beirut
Get-Well-Cards — Conor Oberst
If I Am A Stranger — Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
The Morning of the Magicians — Flaming Lips
Me and the Bean — Spoon
Shanty for the Arethusa — The Decemberists
Lifetime Piling Up — Talking Heads
Punkrocker (ft. Iggy Pop) — Teddybears
Cello Song — The Books, featuring Jose Gonzalez

Bonus Video:

Boneless (Live) — The Notwist with Andromeda Mega Express Orchestra

The Rules: The Friday Random 10 is exactly that — random. We open up our iTunes, set the thing on shuffle, and listen to 10 songs. We are not permitted to skip any out of embarrassment or fear of redundancy. Commenters are encouraged to post their own.